thanks..

all this was long time coming i guess...
sobering up for a while and ceasing self medicating... then jumping out of the clinic that was trying to treatment just seemed to expedite.. maybe...
i would of stayed in treatment last time its just they misdiagnosed me with bipolar and was just drugging me up and wouldn't listen to me trying to tell them why i think its not bipolar at all even when i tried to plead a little that they reconsider what they think im experiencing... i was on a lot of medication and it wasn't helping and they wouldn't listen so what else do you do when you have been compliant and trying there ways and stuff...
and then they tell you that you are non-compliant because you are not doing what they tell you ..? but you are doing what they say? i really think the pdoc was becoming senile.. and i think towards the last year in treatment he was getting aggravated with me because nothing seemed to help and it was getting worse and stuff... i quit going like towards the end of last year and i was out for like, 4-6 months? then i am running back lol... shame... but atleast another psychologist concurred with me that i dont have bipolar and hopefully they will listen to me more this time... just hope that they can help... cause it feels like no one can help...

just really didnt think my past was the cause for all of my problems.. guess thats kind of a foolish thing to think though...
but i guess when you self medicate from such a young age you kind of cant tell...

im used to flashbacks, its just they are becoming much more than just flashback
intensity...
fight to pull yourself out of there...

i dont know how to deal with it.. and i guess i just have to try to learn how to do something i was supposed to learn when i was a little kid...
i just really dont know how you know ?
and i guess that its causing so much dissociation that i dunno whats going on...
even though i've done the same thing my whole life, its just different now for some reason... like.. dunno how to put it in words...

the illusion is falling apart i guess, the ... imaginary world i lived in for ever is falling apart... and the real world is trying to come in and i cant handle it... the past... i keep losing myself... its so hard... im trying... i just dont know what to do... just keep trying i guess.... even though seems like im not getting anywhere and its taking me over...
but what else can you do... im just tired... and i just wish that everything could just be fine like i tried to make it... dunno why it failed and this has to happen to me... guess you cant control everything...

i dunno what to believe anymore...
think im driving myself crazy... but im not trying to, it just wont go away...

ugh

i guess when you cant accept the things that you know happened, when those things make you feel so... broken, icky, disturbed, confused, angry... blablabla
you just lose it, how do you let it go? i simply can't accept it and am so angry that these things happened to me, but im not and i am and i am not and what happened again? grrrr then you disapear and come back confused and it just driving me crazy... my memory is not working at all right now so im outside of time and its hard to keep up with the date and things that im supposed to do and you just start to feel so pathetic because... everyone around you is moving forwards... and you are like... where the hell?
its like waking up 30 years later and feeling like... everythings different.. you dont know anyone anymore because they all changed... i dunno, its just stupid... lonely... alone.. but its a dark secret that i have to keep because no one can understand... and even if i tried to tell them they wouldnt know what to do so whats the point... i just want to do something to try to make things a little better before its too late..

i guess one little stone at a time... guess atleast i have figured out that its all because of my traumatic upbringing/life