I've always been a love 'em and leave 'em kinda girl. I have had several long term relationships (on my fourth marriage) and when things go bad, I go manic and I get out. I never saw this as a mental illness. I just thought it was me failing at life and finding a way to survive.

But the worst of it happened in 2013. I had to fly to Wisconsin for a business trip. I tend to go manic on new adventures and I have a PTSD response to flying that puts me into manic episodes. I did not know this at the time. I didn't even know I had a mental illness.

I was going to be there for two weeks and I was manic by the time I checked into the hotel. I had a boyfriend of about a year back home. We were having some problems. We were living together. On my second day in Wisconsin, I met a guy who asked me out for drinks and I thought that was innocent enough. Plus we were both ohhhhh soooo spiritual and we talked for hours about our ohhhh sooo spiritual experiences. On the third day, I broke up with my boyfriend via text message and told him to move his stuff out of my place. All so I could take things to the next level with Mr. Ohhhh soooo spiritual.

I put my boyfriend through hell for those two weeks, him knowing I was in Wisconsin doing who knows what and I just shattered his life in a million pieces out of nowhere like it didn't even matter. And not for one single second did I feel in control of myself, of my actions. I didn't even feel like I was on the planet. The derealization was out of control. I was partying with this guy and all the new people I met on the business trip and it is all such a blur. Like I was only partially there.

I returned home from the trip, still manic, filled with confusion and regret. I continued to spiral out of my mind. I don't even know how I functioned in the world, but I did. When I started to crash, and I crashed hard, when I was alone, I was regressing to infancy stages, sucking my thumb, talking like a baby and acting like a baby. (It was really, really bad.) I probably should have been hospitalized at that point. But I didn't know better.

By the grace of God, my boyfriend stayed by my side through the whole damn meltdown even though we were still broken up. When the crash was over, we officially got back together, though it never really felt like we were completely apart. There was a lot of love there. Obviously if we survived that debacle.

He has a very forgiving heart, and has never held it over me, though the guilt of that experience haunts me still. I was so selfish and so hurtful and I can't even believe it was me. I'm not that person. What I realized is that I never loved a man until I loved him. All the others were almost too easy to leave. But I could not leave this man no matter how I tried to pull away. It literally drove me insane.

But it's the cruelest thing I've ever done to a human being, and one I truly love so much. I still do not forgive myself.

He's the best husband a woman could ever ask for and I am truly, truly blessed. We just celebrated our one year anniversary.