I think a lot of the problem stems from first of all my parents wanting a boy if they were only going to have one child and my brother died before I was born. And so they were stuck with just me, a girl. I tried pretty hard to be a boy growing up...but obviously I'd never be good enough.

In college I studied music. I was originally a saxophone player, but switched over to trumpet which was apparently what most people didn't want. The abilities that I developed on trumpet were not recognized that much (since these were abilities not valuable to the school I guess) and I graduated feeling that I wasn't good enough to even attempt a graduate degree on trumpet. So I switched to composing music as the area I got my masters in. And now I'm getting my doctorate in music composition.

I still have little to no confidence as a trumpet player despite years of playing on a part time basis when I've been in school. In some cases, it doesn't feel comfortable being a girl playing a "man's instrument". Especially in jazz which still has a pretty misogynist sort of vibe.

I also should of mentioned that my father is pretty misogynistic himself so I did automatically have less value because of my sex. I guess I eventually won him over, but really at the core, I resent being female. I don't really consider my gender to be female, just so I can live with myself.