Oh my gosh...when I read that your H has Aspergers....I totally related to your situation (though everyone with Aspergers has their own place on the spectrum).

I had stuck it out in my bad marriage for 33 years though the last 13 I was separated from him though living in the same house because he made divorce almost impossible & I ended up feeling trapped with no way out after me career ended with the collapse of aerospace in Calif.

I had no idea what I was dealing with all those years I just knew that communication with him was next to impossible. He would look at me as if I were speaking in a foreign language. Agree to do what I asked then never do it so he came across as passive agressive not knowing what I was really dealing with. Had no idea that he didn't understand or didn't know how to do what I asked as he never communicated. Sabbatoged everything I did that excelled beyond him. He was always bragging about how intelligent he was but he didn't have a lick of common sense. Destroyed us financially until I took over but when depression hit me, I could no longer handle the finances so it went back on him & he did drive us to bankruptcy but since he couldn't handle things, he let that slide also leaving me being the one at home getting all the collection calls while dealing with major depression that he just no way could possibly understand.

I left him on & off during those 3 years but always came back. Hate grew al least on my part. Lost count of my number of suicide attempts thinking it was really my only way to escape but it never worked even when it should have. It felt like emotional abuse but he came across as if he really didn't know what he was doing let alone intentional. There was never any emotional connection with him. Finally toward the end before I finally just walked out, I realized that he knew what the right thing to do was like visiting me in the hospital but I realized he wasn't doing it because he felt anything for me but just because it was the right thing to do.

There was never any cheating in the marriage as he didn't know how to be around other people which I have since realized that was why we didn't have any friends we socialized with other than people I knew. There were times at the end when the battles became slightly physical though nothing horrible....I would get so frustrated with him I would punch him in the arm & he would hit back. One time my pdoc wouldn't release me from the psych hospital if I was going to go home. Ended up staying with my mom for awhile.

It was so strange knowing something was wrong but not knowing what & in many ways it was my normal because my H was just like my dad....so I was actually thinking that the fighting was my fault & I was the one who was wrong since I fought with my parents just like I ended up fighting with my H....so anyone had to be a saint to put up with me (according to my mom).

Well after my mom died of cancer I sold her house & took MY inheritance money & finally left....2100 miles away. Never felt any desire to go back to him after I left though I did give him a few weeks chance 6 months later to come to me farm & see if the separation had made any difference in him. Thought maybe being hit over the head with my leaving would get through to him though there was no communication during those months I was away & IT WAS SO PEACEFUL....no way I wanted or was willing to go back to the way it was.

I did find out on the 2100 mile drive in my truck that he didn't want a divorce all those years or now because he said "it would make him look like a failure". & he said that he thought "because I had tolerated him all those years he believed that I would tolerate him for the rest of our lives together".

Ended up kicking him out & sent him back home after only 3 weeks. I couldn't tolerate him any longer after having those months of peace & knowing what a wonderful feeling it was.

Oh that wasn't the last of his irresponsible behaviors effecting me though. I had all the mail forwarded to our farm....good thing as I got a letter from the IRS stating it was the 2nd letter & there had been no response to the first one....huge mistake had been made on the taxes that my H had done on my inheritance money because like usual, he refused to ask for any help because he knew he knew what he was doing. I had been dealing with PTSD after what happened with the home care person caring for my mom when she was dying of cancer. I had told my H to take it to the accountant I was having do the estate taxes but he refused with his know it all attitude & sure he knew what he was doing. Asked him why he didn't communicate about the 1st IRS letter. He said oh yes, he got it but couldn't figure out what they wanted & couldn't find the taxes he filed that year so he didn't bother responding. I ended up sorting out the huge mistake, getting all the letters from Pdoc & T to get the penalties waived & negotiated payment with the IRS. He was always incapable of handling anything it was like I was married to a child buth emotionally & with his incompetent way of handling anything out of his very narrow norm.

Dealing with this in the joint situation, divorce at that time wasn't a good idea.

Several years later I get a call from the lender on the house. Turned out he quit paying property taxes & then when they set up an impound account he quit paying the house payment, letting it go into foreclosure....without saying a word to me even though he knew my name was still on the loan....& he never returned the calls from the lender....he just quit paying. They were willing to do a loan mod with just him qualifying for it though my name was still on the loan with it only being a mod. Couldn't get him to respond & when he did, he lied about talking to the lender as I was talking to them & knew everything that was going on. Almost a year later that got resolved & he still wasn't making on time payments. Found out later when I finished paying the IRS & needed to cash an overpayment check in our joint account that he was living on overdraft charges to pay every bill he had & never did communicate for me to know when it was safe to cash the check without the account being negative. I was so angry...there was$14 in the account that day I cashed the check at a sister credit union in the state I live in....got so angry I came home, called our credit union & closed the account. I had talked to one of the tellers the night before & that was what he had suggested I do...so I did it not caring where in the world he got money to pay his bills that month. They also sent me 3 years of statements that H told me was none of my business.

It was right after that I started putting the pieces together. A T I saw after first moving here said it sounded like my H had undiagnosed Aspergers. I bought a wonderful book on it & in reading it brought back all the things I experienced in my marriage. For the first time in all those years his behavior was finally explained. Later looking even farther back it explained my fathers behaviors also.....& finally living around normal friends in my new life I realized that I wasn't the one causing the problems & my fighting against their behavior was a normal reaction even....but it had made my situational depression from loosing my career that much worse & it also made worse the PTSD that hit a few years before I finally left.

I have been gone 9 years now & have never regretted leaving or looked back with any desire to go back to that life I am finally free of. Divorce will happen when I finally get enough money to file for it....he sure isn't going to spend the money to file. But I have other higher priorities for my money at the moment. Just praying he doesn't do anything irresponsible that I become financially responsible for in the mean time.

I know Aspergers is on a spectrum & maybe your H is a bit more functional in most areas....I hand it to you to have the tolerance & the patience to even want to try going back to your marriage. My H kept saying he changed but there was no sign of the change he said he made. I realized later that in reality his mind was never capable of making the changes necessary for the marriage to work.

I'm glad you are keeping your place for awhile so you have a retreat if you need it. That is sort of like going home after being rested even in the psych hospital...home is like sensory overload & hard to go back to & be dumped back into life as it was before.

I wish you the best with the choices you are making...take it slow & be patient with your own reactions.