Yesterday, my hubby mentioned that it was too bad that I wasn't more self-sufficient than I am. WOW! He has made similar comments in the past, and they ALWAYS leave me feeling defective, hurt and ashamed of who and what I am: a dependent personality.

When I was young it was my mother who was over protective, verbal about my disability (though she never actually said WHAT that disability was), she just made a big deal out of it to me and my teachers: made excuses for me.

Well then I marry my guy (42yrs ago, still married). He was and still is very domineering, controlling, he did not want me working a job (yet shamed me for not having a job, and complained about our being a one income family and the burden being ON HIM). I wanted to finish High School, so I could know that I COULD SUCCEED, ya well, he did everything he could to stop, frustrate and prevent that from happening! NOW he wishes that I were more self-sufficient!?!?!?!?!?

I battle on a daily basis the shame of never measuring up! Never being able to help support us! Never being able to help share in carrying part of the load! Fearing daily, what if I end up all alone, well that will never work BECAUSE I have NEVER could care for myself!!! And that is what shames me to the core of my being! Knowing that I am defective!!! Feeling defective!

Would I be forced to remarry just because I am so blasted dependent!?!?!? Now that is a scary thought. I sure hope not.

End of rant.