I'm going to keep this vague because my situation is complicated.

VERY few people in my life know what happened. If enough time passes it will become just another dirty family secret. I made them promise to never tell. I already have a history with depression, I can deal with the pitiful looks but not if they found out what happened. I don't need their judgement or their shame on my shoulders.

The guilt and shame I've been feeling over the past 7 months are beginning to test my sanity and strength. I don't talk about it, I just think about it all the time. I think about it when I drive to work, it creeps around my mind while I work, and when I go to bed I hope I'm tired enough to pass out before I end up crying myself to sleep.

I will never forget what happened, some details will get muddled because of time. One thing I am sure of is that anyone who has gone through this will know, is that you never forget that sound and that moment. Turning into a coward and wishing it was you instead. My suicidal thoughts feel justified. Why am I not dead? Wouldn't it all just be easier. It doesn't matter how many times I'm told that it was an accident by police, professionals, or my family. I will not forgive myself.

It's hard pretending to everyone else that I'm fine, it's hard to try and concentrate in class or at work when I'm thinking of ways to kill myself or the impending civil suit against me. I don't know what's going to happen, and I think that living with this self hatred is my punishment. I don't want absolution. I wish that if it were possible I could erase my existence.