Thank you prefabsprout. Just reading that made me cry.

And that's the problem really...smh.

I wish I could have some control or could make some connection so that I had some idea of how to deal with this roller coaster I seem to be on that never stops.

At my age, I should be in more control of myself. Really. I have enough self-hatred and this only makes me feel even more defective.

Thank you for the kind words. And the hug. I needed it like you wouldn't believe.