Thank you for sharing. Your story has some definiate similarities.

We never knew my H had aspergers. We always said he was OCD and we laughed about it. That is just what you say when people are kinda spicific about things. But he really does have OCD of the REAL variety. WE found out he had aspergers when we took my son to be tested. The T was quite suprised to find my son had that and it was confirmed by teh neurologist and the child psychologist. As it turns out that is an inherited disorder passed as down from males to a male usually, Not all the time but usually. The T laughed and said YOU definitely don;t have aspergers you have ADD from hell, but not asperger's. She then shook her head and said, but your husband, it all makes since now, he has aspergers.
Your son has it, he has it.

Because of my son I learned what a self absorbed disorder it is. It truly is that the person is not capable of thinking of others. It is not something they do because they are mean, or bad, there brain simply doesn;t have the ability to operate any other way. My son is like that to. It is a very lonely and confusing disorder for some people.

With the help of my T lots has been learned about how to deal with my H and my son. My son is 16 now, and it is very interesting for sure. With my son I learned that he can be tought phrases and times to use them. My H is the same way. We have done many sessions, VERY many on when this happens say this. Simple things like "excuse me" instead of "get your *** out of my way". Or "can u set back or I can;t see past you" instead of "Move your Fu cking fat head." I really don't think he ever remember saying those things. My kids did, there mouths dropped open when he said them, but I truly think he had no idea.

When I was pregnant he never went to the first doctor appointment. He never saw an ultrasound, it was jsut so hard for him to realize and understand fully that there was another person living in there. He got it, but he missed what that ment and the bonding that took place before birth. During delivery he was there, but during our hospital stay he went to work. He claimed I didn't need him setting around all day. I could do that by myself. When we took the baby home and for the early months he never changed his routine, he still had me pack his lunch. He never ever thought of me. When I was so exhausted and I jsut needed someone to hold the baby so I could shower or go to the bathroom alone, no luck. When he got up and got himself something to drink and gave me an ugly glare because he had to get his own drink, it never occurred to him to see if I needed or wanted something. Just common courtesy, he lacks.

It is indeed a lonely disorder. We have no friends, his response is "Who had time for friends." I have told him everyone needs an outlet, someone to talk to. His response was "Well I don't."

My H is a business owner. His OCD and the way he is so literal about things helps him with his business. HE is great with book keeping because of his OCD, and when he tells people I will see you SAturday at 4:00 to look at your job, come hell or high water he will be there. (even if he has to miss his kids birthday party, or a kids ball game)

When he comes home from work, I know that he takes off his shoes at teh door, puts them in a specific location then goes to the bathroom. After supper he exercises. He exercises. He exercises from 6:00 to 6:30. If I need him to pick up a kid at 6:15 then forget it. He can't do it. His reason is "But I am exercising at that time."

Vacation is a nightmare. He eats at 6 am, 12:00 noon, and 5 pm. IF we are somewhere then we have to stop and eat at that time or he will simply say any other time that we are not going to stop and eat, it's not time or it is passed time. It doesn't matter if you are hungry. HE goes to bed no later then 9:00 and always gets up at 5:00 am, and anyone else who does things differently is wrong. All the continental breakfasts at hotels are wrong, Mcdonald's is wrong, Country cookin is wrong. Breakfast is to be ready by 6:00am or before if he says so.

When it comes to communication he talks "At You" not to you. He talks in statements, and it comes off as complaining. It is all his opinion, no give and take, and you must agree with him and his point of view. Mainly becasue he is RIGHT!!

He is very jealous. Maybe he doesn't mean to be, but he says you may not call your mom or your sister or anyone else after I get home. You have all day to talk to them, if you care about me, then talk to me. You only have 3 hours each evening you can talk to me any way. Who would want to talk to your mom or your sister anyway.

I have learned that when he feels out of control that he tries to gain control over the one thing he can. Cleaning. You can always clean more, mop more, dust more, clean the car, the toilet, the boot tray. That is the key, the sign that says wait, he is feeling out of control about something. I have to figure out what, and ask him "Hows work", or "Hows your dad" or "Everything at church ok" Once we figure out what it is and he tells me about it then he chills out on the cleaning stuff.

He manages all the money, very VERY tightly. We are going to assume it is not because he is a control freak but because he is good at it. I know he is completely trustworthy with money. It is near impossible for him to miss a deadline. HE does not lie, if there is no money he says so. If he wrote a check for $300.00 I can know it was for something very necessary. I never have to worry about him spending excessively. The problem with that is what he considered a waste and how to spend $$. My teeth, my eyes, any doctors, there a waste of money. (Thats about me , not him so it is not important, to the point that it can be considered financial abuse because he is denying me the opportunity to have medical care) I had a lump under my arm, I thought it might be cancer. When I asked him if I could go to the dr, he said sure. WE have 100 left over this month. Do you want to use it to pay for the electric bill or so you can go to the dr. He was dead serious to. But I would be the reason the power was turned off and that would affect me and 3 kids and him. But it is up to me. WE had money in other areas, that could be used for me to go to the dr. WE had money in other areas that were not being used so we could borrow from one area to supplement another and pay the electric bill. CANCER, my god it might be cancer. But nope lets pay teh electric bill. You and your cancer will jsut have to wait.
Turns out I let it go for 6 months and one of the kids had a dr appointment (they have medicaid so the dr knew we had no money) and I asked the dr if he would look at it. He did and it was a non cancerous lump.

With the help of the T we have come to many conclusions. IF someone needs medical or dental care that trumps all else. Just having her say "That's the new rule", that is all it took. Having her say if you are thirsty then she is to. IF you get up to get you a drink ask if she wants one. He does now. He simply doesn't see or understand or have any idea. He's not trying to be difficult. We will continue to work on these things when I return.

I have to state the obvious. IF he takes it as me being an asswhole and demanding then so be it, but any other way he will never ever know what I want or need. When I carry in groceries and he watches me do it all, I need to ask him nicely to help me, when I have to much stuff to carry into church I need to ask him to help me, he will nto know to help. When I have 4 loads of laundry to wash becaseu there a re 5 of us in the house hold and we jsut got back from vacation and everything we own is dirty, I need to ask him to help me fold the clothes. HE will nto be able to look and see he needs to help me, or that I even need help. I have a lot to learn and so does he.

In the upcoming months I need to decide if this way of life is going to be something I can live with or not. If not, then it is perfectly reasonable to not stay married to him because he has a mental disorder that I cannot deal with. He can be tought skills, and phrases, and what to do in certain given situations. It is up to him though to decide to be tought. If he decides that he doesn't want to learn how to do something then I don't have to stay. IY makes me look like the bad buy, learn and change this or I am leaving, but in reality I have to taek care of me. I have to do what I can live with.

I don't know what the future will hold. I do know since I have been gone for almost a year, that my blood pressure has dropped 40 points, I have lost 30 lbs, my depression is gone, and I no longer take anxiety medication. When those things start to increase or return, then my answer has been maid for me. My body knows the answer even though my heart may disagree. So for now I will hang on to this house and hope for the best. I will continue to try to accommodate him and hopefully he will continue to learn what I need. The things I do to accommodate him and teach him, I will also be teaching my son since he has the same thing.