Where's a wide-awake icon?

I can't sleep because I obsess over everything. I keep needing to talk to people, but when I'm talking it seems I'm still on the outside. They're there and they're comforting, but then it isn't enough. I was falling asleep on the phone but didn't want to hang up. Now that I'm off the phone I can't sleep. I'm shivering and it's anxiety / sleeplessness. It can't be that cold in here. I went to a fortune teller earlier this evening and had my palms read (on a whim after dinner because we walked by her place and she was open). I don't put much stock in that sort of thing, but I wanted the close personal engagement. I think I wanted a substitute T for a few minutes even though she was doing all the talking, not me. It helped in those few minutes. I've spiraled into bleak self-hating thoughts again, and they drown out everything else. If I were wide awake and refreshed, I'd still have zero ability to concentrate.

I realized that I need someone here so that I can sleep. I need someone to hold me, or better yet to lie on top of me so that I can't even move. Then I'd be able to sleep. My mind is raging around and has taken control of my body. I don't have any control myself. I miss the comfort of being with someone else. And I feel like having love again is something so terribly far away from me.

Well now that I've woken myself up enough to type I feel sleepy again. Maybe sleep will come. And I'm so cold I'll crawl under all the blankets. The comfort of sleep would be so amazing. I'd like to have dreams of beautiful things.

Sidony