I'm terrified my disease is going to kill my marriage. It's part of the reason the past several days have been so horrible. My new meds have completly killed my sex drive. My husband is hyper-sexual so our sex life is hugely important to him. I've been agonizing over the realization that the Seroquel (and probably any other drugs the Pdoc might give me) is going to mean I don't want sex anymore. Tonight as we laid down in bed my husband said 'have you noticed our sex life is dead?'. I've been dreading the moment when he would bring it up and explained my fears and that I believe it's the medication. His first marriage ended because their sex life died and there was no intimacy, he told me tonight he couldn't endure a sexless marriage and that marriage with no intimacy would ruin our marriage. He also said my not getting treatment wasn't an option. I told him I felt like I was ruining his life and that either way I was going to cause our marriage to end and I feel completely powerless to fix it.

I've been so mean to him the past several days. I think subconsciously I'm trying to protect myself because I'm so afraid he's going to leave me over this. I've been very suicidal over the past several days and today those feelings are completely overwhelming. I just want to die. I feel like he'd be better off without me. I feel like I'm ruining his life because he's incredibly stressed out and dealing with this has caused him to be depressed. I wish I hadn't promised him I'm wouldn't hurt myself again after my suicide attempt in April because really, that's all I want to do. Maybe I deserve to be alone, everyone I've ever loved has left me. Maybe I deserve to die. I don't seem to bring anyone anything but misery. I feel awful. I want it to stop. I want everything to stop. I want him to be happy and I don't feel like I do anything but make his life difficult and miserable. I'm so scared.