Has anyone felt lonely even in a crowd? Or so alone that you just hate yourself? I don’t know what to do right now. I feel alone but at the same time do not want to be around people. ESPECIALLY the people I live with and that includes staff.
I need a new power cord to my C-PAP machine for my sleep apnea and they told me that I have to pay $20 for it. I got upset cause I get in trouble for not wearing cause I could die in my sleep. I wake up at night gasping for air. And it scares the crap out of me. I use to not wear it for the simple fact that yes I could die and I want to die in my sleep. BUT not anymore.
I will be moving out on my own soon and then who am I going to have to talk to or smoke with. I have some friends here in town but they are older and they won’t be around forever. And then that scares me. I guess I am afraid of everything.
I promise I won’t do the stupid things that are in my head cause my psych doctor threatened to get me a guardian and put me in the hospital and then a CBHH which is the new state hospitals here in Minnesota. Which I have been to two of them and hated them. You can’t smoke and when you go outside it is in a little cage.
Another thing I am afraid of is failure. I already feel that I am in some areas. I promised my Grandpa that I would take care of my Grandma and she promised him that she would take care of me and I ended up 8 hours away from her. I use to talk to her on the phone every day. Like 5 times and then before I went to bed. I talked to her the night before she passed away and I told her that I knew she loved me and that I loved her and that she could go and that I would be fine. Well, I’m not okay. And I SO BADLY want to be okay. And I am not.