do you ever have trouble being the way or one you want to be in situations..?
like... i suck soo soo bad at trying to explain things grrrr

but like... say you are playing cars in the dirt with your best friend...
the best friend takes the car you want at first... you are inside like ok, its just a car... i will use the pink one i dont care... and then you try to make a road in the dirt to the super market but the best friend wants to not had a road there, he doesnt like the supermarket and wants just a landfill and a road around a bunch of houses that are made of rocks...
but you start to get like... seperated... you are playing but on another side you are playing the way you want to play, you have your supermarket but its not there but you are upset that its not there but it is there and you are playing that it is there but you are not at the same time...

you dont want to hurt your best friend so its like you are doing everything the normal ways... but it goes on and on, when you finally feel so overwhelmed in the other world because you are playing your way with yourself but trying to play with them the other way.... like... you start to forget which is which... which way he or shes is playing... and the way thats yours...
and then another feeling or way comes into being and you are angry, because you dont not understand how or what like... urgh i suck at explaining...
but its like, your friend notices you know? like why are you at the landfill? and you're like this isnt the landfill... and.. they look at you, you are like... starting to realize that things are mixed up.... but you try to play things off because you want to stay in control of what the feelings are... but you are not there totally like you just...
what a stupid thought...
this is not my thought, like this is not what i want to ask because im not wanting to word things so directly related to me... because im just totally scared that they will find out that im here and im feeling like this...

ok.. well...
say you love someone very much...
like this person is your mother.. perhaps this person is your mother
you... blah, thats another stupid thougt...

aight this is something that i have told others before, do you ever feel like you have a bunch of highways that are bringing in information and taking things out to the real world?
where as it seems that most "normals" only have 1 highway you seem to experience so many more?

some highways ONLY bring information in, some ONLY take information out, to make you seem acceptable and keep things in a calm correct way, while others are shooting information sideways and backand forth and the main highways froom the inner and outter are cluttered with birds and **** flying back and forth over each other causing the drivers to swerve and have accidents??
which causes you to go from appearing to have a nice time to just like WTF IN THE GOD DAMN HELL IS GOING ON and then being like wooaah dude you gotta chill... but its crazy because you are going through a million of things inside before it reaches the surface...?

hmm... does that make any bloody sense?
1 highway being the main which switches and the different highways bring in different information?

why is it so confusing... figured it was adhd stuff...
but i think it seems even adhders have the one highway, and their lanes just fluctuate... but it feels like more than that what i feel...

man my head is so... im so tired of feeling like this, i want to get some clarity and unity so that i can focus... want to say things and talk about things but how can you when you cant even speak english?
Bah!

how am i ever gonna know if im just a retarded mother ****er if i cant talk to others about what is happening... trying so hard, but im just... i think im failing even harder
know what i mean..?

my mind is really... i cant tell you what is happening inside... because i really dont know... but im just trying to understand you know?
want to make it better

i've read many things... trying to read about what the therapist says and stuffs...
i feel like i understand the emotion regulation stuffs... but even though i read about these things it feels like its lacking, why is it lacking? why it doesnt explain what im feeling.... its making me so... well i could say pissed off, but im not just pissed off because im depressed and sad and alone and scared and i just dont know what it could be anymore... much empty... empty because i feel alone... like this is a stupid charade... you know what i mean? everyone is out of the loop, even me... and no one knows what is happening, even me... and im trying harder than anyone to figure out what the charade is, but im just pissing everyone off along the way because i cant figure out what it is? and i end up getting pissed off because im just feeling like i should be smarter than this, should not be acting so retarded and not understanding whats happening..
but my memory is causing these loops thats allowing it to happen, because im in and out and i cant keep up with everything and i cant keep up with what i remember, because i forget what i remember, and forget what i forget, and i forget everything, forget fforget forget forget, and im just really getting tired because i have a lot of proof that there is sooo much wrong now...
just not sure how my mind can keep doing this when im trying at every corner to make it stop and to control it and really really MAKE IT STOP...
but you know... the more you fight and try to control it the stronger the resistance seems to feel... not even feel... but it just is, and it gets so strong that you arent even sure you know anymore, like... what resistance? nothing is wrong..? then you are really like ****ed when you remember the other things, because each time you come back its like wtf... thought i dealth with that... but no, i just turned some parts off and it didnt deal with anything, probably im just making everything worse and im not sure how to approach it anymore...

i am just trying to breathe though.... not a race.... i can figure things out.... as long as i keep trying and talking to people and them right...

im going to clearly keep dragging myself to the therapist as long as i can keep reminding myself multiple times a day... which works as long as im at the computer because i have posted notes on the desk saying the appointments...
but if i go away from my room, i go away, you know...?

but there seems to be side of me that remembers outside, like... i dunno, it doesnt take it seriously enough though... its just a thing, like everything else, just a thing... whatever... i hate talking about how i feel... never hear anyone else talk like this... so how can i feel ok about saying retarded things when im so... um... avoidant or whatever they say?

i just... well i will stop rambling.. yaaay for rambles
just one thing...
does anyone feel like they are just constantly dissociating...? like... almost like you dont need any triggers at all, you're just in and out... your back and forth... things shifting and changing... but all the while in this fog.... but when you ask someone like your mom, they are like, you seem fine to me, god that aggravates me so much.... because i really dont feel fine.... guess i feel like there are thousands of shadows following me around...

sorry if this is confusing... i havent been able to sleep well lately... not trying to make excuses though... cause i probably am just really retarded, so yeah... just not sure how to talk about things... i really never talk about anything....