Hi sophiesmom
Every day, or sometimes every second, you're making it through, or speaking out, or saying it shouldn't be like this, or reaching out for support............you're showing that you're stronger than it, it's not winning, you're not taking it "lying down", you're
not being a "victim" to it

I know it may sometimes hurt like nothing else, and I'm so sorry

but you
are a winner
And it can be
OK not to fight so hard sometimes as well, you know
if you have unreasonable expectations of yourself considering the way you're feeling, you can cut back on those.........."give yourself a break" and some "time out" and let us in, as you have, to give you some support in those "dark times".........share the load
And the self-hatred..........that's not about
you, that's about the depression........
you are not the depression,
you are so much more than that

And you're
no-one who deserves to be hated
in any way
Alison