It started Sunday afternoon. I was home alone and felt really anxious and unsafe, so I locked the door, didn't dare to shower until my parents were home, and didn't dare to take my (drowsiness-inducing) medications until after. I didn't dare to take benzo's either (I have a prescription for lorazepam as well as oxazepam, both PRN) because they make you less vigilant and I feel I really NEED to be vigilant. I don't dare to listen to loud music - what if I don't hear something? I'm really attentive to sounds, too. Do I hear the back door? Is someone on the stairs coming up? I'm rocking back and forth or left-to-right all the time, which is a little bit comforting.
It hasn't really gone away since. When I'm being driven in the car (don't have a license myself) I feel sort of calm, and I had a great appt with my pdoc this afternoon that also relaxed me a little, but by the time I got home I was back to being anxious and feeling unsafe. I snapped at my mum a lot, such as when she refused to turn of the kitchen ventilator (if it's on I can't hear what's going on around me, so it needs to be off!). I don't dare to turn on loud music, because that prevents me from hearing what's going on around me.

But.. my father is receiving three guests this evening. I don't dare to go to sleep (or take my medication) until they've left. I'm not telling my father - not sure how he'd react, probably understanding, but maybe he'll call off the guests or change the venue of the meeting to the house of one of the guests, and I don't want him to go to all that trouble on my behalf.

So it'll be a sleepless night, probably..

just wanted to share.