hey sunny. yeah... he thought i was avoiding in the session where i talked about something to do with internet boards. and he thought i was avoiding in the session where i talked about productivity at work. he thinks i'm not avoiding when i tell him about the pain that i felt when my dad left. he said something about how i don't have to talk about it every week (that he understands that sometimes i've got other stuff going on in my life and that i'll need to avoid it sometimes). but he made it clear that from his perspective thats what the real work consists in, yeah.
so i emailed him about how i was trying to get to important stuff with those two topics. stuff that connects the present to the past. that that was what i was aiming for, yeah. that maybe i failed. but that it was hard because he kept trying to divert me back... and as such it was harder for me to get to where i wanted to go with that. even in the session where i did talk abotu the pain... i started telling him a story. and he intervened at every pause of breath to try and divert me back... and i just kept on with my story. talking over him if need be. and he looked a little bored... and i just kept on with my story. and i got to the point where these two guys got a little 'too friendly' with me - and that that was when the pain turned into screaming. and of course he was happy with that. only... he didn't seem happy with listening to me tell the story when he couldn't see where i was going with it.
and i feel like he doesn't trust me. he doesn't trust that when i tell him stuff (that story, about the boards, about my productivity) that i'm %#@&#! well trying to get to something really hard for me. HE DOESN'T %#@&#! TRUST ME. and it makes me feel sad and mad.
and i tried to tell him this. and he was like 'i understand' only he didn't understand - he misunderstood quite badly. so... i %#@&#! kept on with trying to get him to understand. and then he realised he misunderstood but i still don't think he did understand. and then he got defensive.
and i felt horrible.
and i txt messaged him and said that somebody stole my valium and please could he either fax the pharmacy or fastpost me a script. and he said he would post me a script (i'm not sure that you can fax pharmacies over here because there is some policy and / or law that the patient retains the script and not the pharmacy). so...
valium. or potentially temazepam. i said that worked quite well too. feeling a little better now after a wise decision to go to after work drinks and dinner and drinks after avoiding work. mostly in the last two weeks cause i've got a talk deadline... but also after work fell apart for me after i realised that such a thing is not considered 'significant' by my therapist. work seems to be considered 'avoidance' in fact.
and i know i'm over-reacting... but i'm super %#@&#! sensitive right now.
i'm upset that he doesn't trust me. and i'm upset that he feels like he needs to push me because i'm time limited (yeah he said that again today) and so he is trying to make the most of the time that he has with me... and that he doesn't trust me to push myself. and that... sometimes... he doesn't %#@&#! listen. and he said something today about 'don't you feel like i mostly do listen' and i was like 'yeah or i wouldn't be telling you this now' but at the end of the day he was defensive really.
and whatever. sure his %#@&#! head is outta the office and into his holiday already.
(((((((((((((((((((sunny)))))))))))))))))
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