you didn't explain it no where near as bad as any of my attempted explanations

they still dont want to discuss my dx or whatever it seems.. i guess its just because things are wack and they need more time to really figure me out? i mean for 4 years they drilled that it was simply bipolar so now that im really pushing back about being mislabeled i guess they are just being careful... precautious..?

i was diagnosed with adhd-pi as well...so for a while i just was trying to write off some of these things as some adhd symptoms, but i dunno.. nothing ever seems to be complete for me, i did read a lot about adhd so im just not really sure how it can cause some of these feelings.. dont know what this therapist 'discovered' with her evaluation or whatever, but i did tell her that its kind of important for me to understand things because im a bit obsessive and just want to learn so i can understand myself and who i am or whatever.. i mean anyone that felt like this would start to get frantic about what the hell is going on.. look at the calendar, its been 7 months and 13 days since this year? and where did any of it go? where have i been? what a joke... 2016...? wtf

she did tell me that im dissociating but i have read alot about that too and i just dunno, you know..?
like i told her it seems like to me i have read everywhere that people have like attacks..? dissociation attack? for lack of other words..? comes over them and then retreats after some minutes or something..?
and i told her that and that it feels different whatever is happening to me because its not like an attack but a constant state of being... and she said that its like a muscle, when you use it so much you just get into the pattern of jumping straight to that muscle and activating it fully within milliseconds or something.. which i can understand using it more and more cause you to use it more and more and even more quicker... but i just feel so out of it all of the time... and i dunno if its possible, just havent seen any proof or heard anything that could validate my feelings and make me stop feeling like a dummy stupid fraud because what im feeling just isnt in any text books and no one seems to know what the hell im talking about...
thats why im really quiet most of the time... but im so weird because .. well im not even going to go into how things change because thats an whole nother can of worms or whatever

she mentioned that developmental trauma disorder involves alot of what im feeling... and also said something about borderline personality too... but she said that she wasnt saying i had those things, just that i share a lot of the same symptoms and she told me that im not alone and that there are others that feel these things... but i guess its hard to believe..
and guess they dont want to tell me anything definite because dont want to be wrong or cause me to freak out or something i dunno...
she said that its mostly women that come in with these kind of issues... so thats gotta make you feel good as a guy right...

thats why i keep thinking maybe its a brain tumor... or i have severe brain damage or something because it simply doesnt go away... at moments it gets really intense, really severe, but even the "good" moments im looking through a felted screen trying to hold onto the sense that reality is there and that im connected to it and that this really is my life, whatever life this is... even though i dont have memories and cant remember **** from minute to minute...
but i have like absolutely no memory... dunno how memory can be so bad...
people laugh at you and say its because you smoked too much weed before, and i just want to punch their brains out because im like how bloody retarded do you have to be to think its funny - and to think that weed could cause such a severe ... memory deficit.... i've talked to people that have the weed type memory troubles, but its only while they are smoking, and i even asked the doc how much the weed can effect it and she said that others that smoke dont report such a problem.. even if they do have memory problems its like the short term stuff right? not an entire life, not an identity issue, i can see an ex-stoner having trouble remembering if it was tuesday or Wednesday but dont think i can see them forgetting their name or what they have done or said constantly/repeatedly, know what i mean? i know im stupid and suck at trying to put stupid things into context so i dunno, giving up on people having any clue what im saying anymore because i dont even know anymore and im just getting weak and pissed at myself and tired of life... but i dont want to die... would like to know what its like to be happy before i do die... so im here and im going to the doc to try to figure out what to do... figure out maybe that i am real and this is real life and that this is my life and that there is something i can do to make it better... i just dont see how i can ever have a memory... or remember things.. i hate it when people laugh about me... guess its a good thing my memory is bad or i probably would be in jail lol...

im just getting really tired of this... not understanding myself... not knowing who or what i am... others not understanding me... probably not believing any word i say...
tired of it all... and i've been trying really hard for a while now to try to get a grip on whatever these things are so that i can try to gain some control... but the more i try the more i just realize how much im not in control and there isnt **** i can do about it...

really makes you want to just die so that it will be over... but knowing how things are for me, if i did die, i would just wake up in a different world with even more problems hehe...

man i sound super pathetic anymore..

probably not much more i can say to anyone here so my posts will probably disappear soonish... and wont have to be disturbed by any other nonsense from this person...
its just sad... im gonna die like this...
just always wanted to know what it was like to be happy...

maybe someday there will be someone that can understand me and explain myself to me so that i can learn to understand me or whatever, think im gonna go puke now... later gater...