I jsut want to scream. I don't know what I want. I just don't know. I had T today. Teh T and I talked about how my H is slipping back into old patterns. Date night has stopped, calling each other and talking for at least 30 min a night has stopped. Our visiting which was supposed to be Friday, Sat and Sunday all along has been reduced to A few hours on Saturdays nights, and maybe a couple of hours on Sundays. It is inconvenient for me to pack up my stuff and come sleep at his house and talk and be a "family" for a few hours on weekends.

My H is a workaholic. He works between 12 and 15 hours a day, 6 days a week. So he is tired. He claims I jsut don't get it, when it comes to him having to provide an income for "US." Actually I am good with a minimal relationship, living as roommates, if that is what he is willing to offer. I have been at home for 20 years and not worked. I am used to being alone, and not having friends IRL. Being alone and having no connection doesn't bother me. I have intimacy issues so I am good with lack of connection. He is not a good conversationalist at all, so I don't really need to talk to him much. I have issues with attachments, well the lack of them. I don't see a need for attachment. I do everything alone, never ask for help, and forget about leaning on him for support or connection, or anyone else IRL for that matter." So going back to a relationship with no connection feels safe to me, but over time it will not.

The T said pretty much "You know no different, in your raising you had no connections and it lacked concern and caring and intimacy. (hence the CSA and rape) So you are accustomed to that kind of life now. But one day I fear you will want to have a connection with someone and have somebody who cares about you"

I don;t have a problem with a lot of things but what I do have a problem with is playing family. If I am going to raise the kids alone, and make the rules, and do things the way I do them, do not step in on weekends or on the few hours you are home and tell me how to do things. Don't get pissed at me because you feel left out. When you make your bed you have to lie in it. When we make plans as a family of mom and 3 kids, because dad is never around, when you are around, don't get mad because you were not included. Join us because you want to. Don't tell me "you need to clean the house first before you take the kids to the fair" or phrase it nicely and say "I can't believe you are not going to clean the house before you go."

That burden falls on me. The T is right. I need to stand up and say, nope, the house is not getting cleaned before we go, or no it is not gonna be cleaned until this evening after we return. And stick to it. I'm a people pleaser (pushover) In short, participate if you want to in the event that you take a day off of work. But don't tell me how to run my life if you are not going to be there to help me along the way.

The T asked me a really good question. If I know I may be ignored and feel alone, and I am going to be living like a roommate not a wife, then what keeps me wanting to go back.
I told her the financial security. God what a desperately sad answer, sad but honest. The label of married, the thought of a house that is new and paid off, the notion that I will nto have to work and all my bills will be paid for. I'm not going back for a husband or to be a friend. I am going back to be a roommate. I'm going back as a potential servant. I'm not sure I am ok with that. I have a lot to think about. I just have to much going on and I want to scream and to cry would be nice, though I don't know how to do that. I need to try to talk to him some this weekend, but I first need to sort my thoughts out and write them down.

Prayers is all I know to ask for. Sometimes you get so low you can;t even pray for your self. You have to rely on others to do it for you, at this moment that is what I am doing. Please pray that God shows me what he wants me to do. That he shows me the path he wants me to take and I don't doubt that path or question that path, and that somehow I know that is God telling me what to do. Even if it is to stay with him thats ok, or if it is to not return that is ok. I just need to know.