Hi,

I'm currently in high school and I would say I'm quite average in terms of my grades. I know I could do better if I just tried hard enough and stop procrastinating and either leaving things to the very last moment or not doing them at all. But....I just can't bring myself to do the work. I think I'm either going online to distract myself so I don't need to do the work, or just too addicted to it. Goals and dreams, I have, but making the attempt to accomplish them isn't working out. No matter how small that goal is, like waking up at a certain time, I just can't do it. Well, I do wake up, but I go back to sleep. Some may say I probably just want attention or I'm just lazy, and that might be true. But the thing is, once you start telling to stop being like that or stop doing things wrong, my mind just automatically get mad at myself and keeps doing everything wrong. I get so angry at myself and I hate myself. I always thought it would have been better if I was never born or I could just die and millions of people wouldn't even care.Every day I could be doing something to change the way I am and achieve my dreams or at least be somewhat happy, but nothing is changing because I can't seem to do anything; anything at all. Procrastinating and such is normal, but it's ruining my life, my relationships with people, and myself. I just feel like a total failure for not trying hard enough and making my life difficult for myself. I don't have extreme anxiety because I distract myself using the computer. But once I do think of the things people might actually feel about me or judge me in ways that makes my self-esteem even lower than it already is, I cry. I cry where no one can see me so I don't have to deal with them trying to help me when to be honest I dont even know what the problem is. And I dont like being vulnerable around people because that means that they will judge me even harder or even worse pity me. I don't want the pity because I don't deserve it. I always compare myself to other people or try to be other people, that make me feel fake. I could be using all of this as an excuse to get attention or to get help or have someone tell me what to do. But because everything in my life feels like a lie I made up just to run away from things I have to deal with, makes me confused about who I am or remember things right. Even when I do try to be productive, I just cant. I start to compare myself to everyone/ everything( even a tree is more useful than I am), and I just stop what I'm doing and do something that makes my mind happy. This has become a habit. Excuses over excuses I'm running away from everything. I've become lazy and that is hurting me and my dreams. Every time, even when I'm out with friends, I feel worthless and stupid. I just cannot understand things as easily as my friends does. And I just hate myself for being jealous or start disliking my friend, that even though she was going through severe depression, was able to get back on two feet or is able to work hard. And now I'm in summer school, everything is so fast-paced. Last year, I was so productive and was one of the top students in my summer school course. Now, I cant even understand what the teacher is saying, and even though the teacher didnt explain a certain chapter well, my friends were able to figure it out all by themselves. Then there's me, who struggled to do one question for an hour and have to give up because I couldn't do it anymore, even when I tried looking up for reference. I keep making stupid mistakes. And you would think I would learn from them but those mistakes turn into major mistakes. I can't even study properly. When I try and write soo many things down into note form or make the notes really detailed. I can't even remember or understand what I wrote. And I'm really scared now. That I'm falling behind while all the people I know are close to the finish line, and I'm the one that's on my knees and trying not to be abandoned. I don't know what I can do to change myself anymore because I can't seem to try even when I really want to. Please help me.