Quote:
Originally Posted by OrangeMasticator
THIS. IS. ME. OH GOOD HEAVENS. WE ARE EMOTIONAL/MENTAL CLONES. I can relate to almost every word and struggle you wrote.
Can you explain a little more about the trying to be like other people?
For me, I feel so empty inside because I don't think I have a good personality at all. With social anxiety, perfectionism, and depression or not, I feel like there was no one clever or smart or funny or creative or interesting to begin with. And I didn't know how I made any friends with this boring personality. I've lost them and I can't make new ones cause I'm a horrible person. I envied all of my friends' qualities that I admired and I would copy them or try to compete with them. Who could be the funniest or smartest or most witty or most playful and stuff? It was so horrible. I felt like I added nothing as a friend in my relationships. Like I could be replaced any day and that I didn't deserve the friends I had. I really do think that I bring the boring and worst out of other people. I'm just such a drag and so irrelevant and unoriginal. I hate it. And all of my opinions are stupid and boring.
The wildest thing about this copycat act I take on is that whenever I think, I can hear the original person's voice or I imagine what they would be doing in a certain situation. Like if i wanted to be weird, i would imagine someone from memory who embodied that quality. I could never just be weird because it was part of my personality...it always had to be because I want to copy a certain person. Same goes for funny or any other good quality. I don't know how to better explain it. So the voice in my head changes a lot and maybe it does for other normal people but it's annoying to me and it feels so fake like im always trying to hard to impress people. I can't express my troubles any better than that right now. Sorry if this response is stupid or whatever. ☺😕
And there are more ways I relate to your post but I'll mention those later maybe.
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Hi OrangeMasticator,
Your explanation is exactly how I feel when I say like other people. There is just no me in real life. It was all taken from the people I met as a child and embodied into one. I was a loner before because nobody wanted to be my friend and would be mean to me. So, I tried my hardest to act like them or act like someone they would like, and do my best to impress them so they wouldn't leave me. Then I developed a horrible personality. I would verbally bully the other kids, socially awkward kids, because that happened to me before. And I really regret doing those things. Because I acted the way I learnt from other people, I keep doing things that don't make me truly happy. It's all for someone else, to impress them so I could feel good about myself. But it's just getting so hard to please people these days. I have to think twice before I say something so I dont bore them or accidently offend them and ruin the relationship. I'm always called the "weird one" or the "random one" amongst my group of friends because that's just how I am able to act around anyone now; so they don't get bored of me. I just feel so fake and it hurts inside without people, that I know, know. I feel so isolated even though I have a family (who goes and do their own things; not really a typical family, and has expectations) and great friends. I just can't help but feel pressured into being someone I'm not or doing things that make me feel so fake. I remember there was a phase of mine where I acted or really did hate everyone because of the harsh truth of how the real world is like, but at the same time people would see me as a hypocrite. I can't blame them for it because while I still hate this world, I'm scared to leave it or scared to be alone. And now I can't even drop the summer course I am in because my mother won't allow me saying it would affect my records. And that hurts because even though I told her I was struggling she wouldn't allow me to stop something that is making me upset and not understanding my pain. The pain of always feeling like being left behind, the odd one of the group, of not able to do things as well as another person can. Even though at a young age I always felt weaker/stupider than someone and it made me unable to think straight or think right or having to think too much. Which is probably why I never kept a certain hobby; I get bored of it easily or don't want to do the hard work. And when I start to stuggle and dont like it, I would just give up. It's really childish, but it's become a problem, which is probably why I can't enjoy things now. I used to think nobody loved me, it's a bit better now but I'm still scared that people will come to hate me more than I think they do already. Heck I even thought I was adopted and that's why my family was messed up. I could never take a person's word for the truth because when I look at them I feel that they are pitying me without even understanding my pain. It just really hurts. And all I can do is distract myself and run away from my problems. I'm so disappointed with myself and I just don't want to do this anymore.
