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Now I feel this need inside to experience what connecting intimately would really feel like

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I'm kinda here too but I won't actually admit it to people to whom I could actually experience it with. I am so fearful of admitting that I actually care about something or that I actually want (maybe even need) something on a deeper level. Shoot, I don't really even know what I'm looking for! I have like craving something but I have no idea what it is, so I can't really find it. Who knows maybe I already have it and just don know it or appreciate it.

The perfect scenario for me would be: I would go to therapy, she would say... I heard all of your crap for the past several months... Hey this is what you are looking for... here is how you do it...how about you practice feeling it with me until you feel comfortable and feel like you know how to handle it...(turn it on an off when you want to).... and then when you ready... here is what you do to experience this with the people who are your real friends and family.

I would then say...Thank you very much.. can I come back in two weeks and you can show me how to get my 10 yr old to happily do his homework. (Sorry, I digress)

I don't think my therapist is going to give me anything directly. Other than maybe some insight on what it is I'm looking for and then maybe some skills or ideas on how to get it.

At this point I see myself as looking over the fence at a big piece of fruit hanging on a tree. I'm thinking.. other people are eating it, their not dying, and they seem to like it, ...maybe it might be good for me to eat too. I'm willing to sniff the air for some more clues about what it might taste like....BUT, unfortunately, I am unwilling to take a chance or don't know how to get over the fence, reach up to take it from the tree ...and am definitely not ready to actually taste it.

Having said all this I forget what this thread was actually about... I sorry if you've hung with me through my rambling... my brain is fried its.. Friday.