</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
almeda24fan said:
Sunrise, maybe the dissociating part for you is that focusing on the future = eventual ending of therapy? Could that be?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I didn't dissociate when we talked about the future. I dissociated when we were talking about our relationship, when he said, "I love being here with you. I love spending time with you here." I think getting that intense package of positivity and warmth and love from him was just painful, in its own way. It was like A LOT! It engendered in me similar positive feelings. I managed to rather pathetically squeak out, "me too." (How lame is that?) Even after a year, there is till a bit of the boundary dance between therapist and client going on, at least on my part. Somehow it felt a little "forbidden" when I felt that rush of warmth toward him in response to his words. I think there is some subtext to that, along the lines you suggested, almedafan. Like, man, it is so hard to feel so close to someone when I know it is temporary, that in the next year or so, it will end. That's painful. But nevertheless, I don't want him to withhold his feelings from me just because my response may be painful, because it's also positive and healing. It's a tricky thing, a close relationship. You have to be open to it in order for it to be healing, but yet, there is also the potential for pain, so you have to fight yourself to not protectively withdraw.

As far as focusing on the future, it is like confused said. I just don't know how to do that because I have put everyone's needs before mine for so many years. And it is one thing to share problems with my T. I am comfortable viewing a therapist as someone who helps me with my problems. But sharing my dreams and hopes? That is hard! Like maybe he will say they are stupid or laugh. (I know that is just plain stupid, but still, I feel it. I think I have been laughed at and belittled a lot in my past, as a child, for expressing my true desires, so I keep them to myself or don't even allow myself to have them.)

Perna, I like the idea of cooking eggs different ways until I find out the way I like them best. I know this sounds kind of minimal, but I have been trying to focus on me more in at least one way: improving my health. I've been going to the doctor and dentist to take care of longstanding problems. I've been trying to change my diet to get my blood pressure under control (I am having success with this!), and I've been trying to lose weight (15 pounds down since Feb.). These things may not be fulfilling any kind of dream I have or even be fun, but they are things I am doing just for me.