My life has really been one of the most traumatic, from the womb to this day where there are residue patterns of not feeling worthy, feeling panicky, feeling underserving and a whole lot of depression and disconnection.

Dr. Lawrence Heller was the first one who said that those suffering from developmental trauma actually are not fully present in this world, having one foot in and one foot out.

I've been through the gamut of therapies and nothing has touched on the original traumas. I know what I need and that is a shining light. Someone who possesses so much inner spark that it's contagious. I've been around so much suffering and so much powevery and deprivation that I can only now try with the polar opposite of that.

Someone with humor to respark my own humor. Someone with a deep connection to the Creator to respark that in my and reconnect back to my soul which I've apparently put in chains, somewhere in a dungeon way way back and since all I can do is self-medicate the pain of that inner self suffering away.

I am very sad, depressed actually because I've spent so many years in isolation. I don't want any pity at all because this condition does not respond to pity or even sympathy. Only resources right now. Maybe compassion but I need a direction on how to undo the damage and forge a life forward and upward that doesn't contain within it deprivation or restriction but expansiveness, allowing and healing.

I need healing. I need help.