i end up being so vague that im even vague with myself, there are things i want to ask about or say that i cant and i dont mean to be that way its just the way it is i guess.. im sorry about that, being so confusing.. not trying to confuse anyone, i just end up confusing myself a great deal i guess and it ends up making me feel really stupid so i usually dont say anything but im kind of in dire need of assistance and trying my best to reach out for information and help and whatnot..

i think that i have read that dissociative experience can be subjective.. so i try not to let the things i read or hear put me down too much since i cant really tell what im feeling anyway... but its difficult when you read so much because you are obsessive, and even more so when you are desperate... and everything you see and read just seems to not add up completely with what you feeling..

its like i just want that aha moment where i can finally rest and know that we have figured out whats wrong and can work towards some recovery plan or something so that i can have an assured future rather than... feeling like my life is over... im dead right now and im just trying to figure out some way to discover some humanity in there some where...

just makes me feel stupid because it seems that im just having too many problems with this, where others can come to terms with things... even if it is a misdiagnosis or something, im obsessive you know.. because i cant stand having misinformation... need to know exactly the synopsis you know what i mean?
if im sitting still, im losing.. its over... if i keep moving and keep pushing then i have a chance... im getting older and my life is just... i dont have a life, i dont have a memories or time line and i dont want to run out of time before i can atleast start over and maybe create a new timeline and hopefully find peace and be satisfied with some new life that i can start or something... but each moment passes and its gone, years pass and they are gone, years to a moment are no different... so you cant stop, if you stop you'll lose another 10 years and you'll be 37 years old and .. sigh... i dunno how to put it into words... im failing and my life is slipping away without me having any power or control over anything...
i just wanna be happy, why is that so much to ask for..

i hope that im not depressing anyone.. i know i feel terribly pathetic and im really depressed when im aware of whats going on...

there are lots of things i want to talk about but i cant, because of the obsessive nature i have and have read so many things i feel that i have contaminated my experience with words and experiences of others which may result in some form of confabulations, you know what i mean..? and the last thing i need is for other people outside of my body to start to put together confabulated ideas about what im experiencing ... especially the therapist... so im scared to talk to her or anyone about pretty much anything, i dunno what i talk to her about really but im trying not to give up and run and hide anymore...

im just lost and confused i guess... scared... upset...

when i went to the hospital, they told me that i need to just get a life, i dont think they meant it in a derogatory way, but it hurt me because they said that i JUST need to move out get a place to live on my own, get a car and drivers license, a job, self sustain, then i will be fine - and its why im never going back to another hospital again because they, as well as most everyone else that ever sees me, just dont understand me... and i dont understand myself so that doesnt help anything grrr...

i wish it was so simple as to just get a life, but how do you do something like that... i CANT drive... i have terrible phobias that most people dont even think about, people laugh at me when im riding in the car because i jump or cower in my seat, they dont understand why i dont want to leave my room, they dont understand why i feel the way i do, they dont know what my problem is because they cant see a problem for the most part besides when i absolutely refuse to do ANYTHING even getting out of the bed, then they are just like oh he's depressed again... need to make him eat...
but whatever... pathetic human being... i didnt eat for atleast 5 days before so i know im not gonna die if i dont eat.. i lost 10 lbs but so what... atleast no one bothered me for a few days... imprisoned in this mind anyway so moving out of bed or not i have to walk around with it all...

im just tired, im really tired... thats all i can say, im so tired.... and that doesnt even grasp the idea... it cant encompass the entirety of how tired i am... im exhausted on every level... i am drained to the core... i am frightened but have to stand tall with a stern expression to face off the evil that wants me to perish... when will i find peace...

my emotions are insane... how can you be happy about the same thing you are angry about, sad and scared and confused but completely enlightened

impossible... thats why i resort to this:::
this is not real... this is not life... i am not here... im not alive... this is a dream... a sick and twisted fantasy of some sort...
and i will go away.. i hate talking about things... if you talk about it then it makes it more real... i just dont want it to be real, that im like this, i want to wake up... please, im so tired

its a joke to be retarded and genius in one, how smart do you have to be to be stupid?
when does stupidity turn into ingenuity?

i have to stop before i piss myself off and take it out on myself... talking about things makes it real and validating these things is probably the last thing i need to do...
just wish i could make it go away.. and find the real me

a true life sentence... my prosecutors must be satisfied...