Welcome to PC Superwomen (I like your username!). I'm so sorry you are in this state. Mixed states are very dangerous for me. Have you been through one before? Are you safe right now? I have definately related to the feelings you mention here. It's no fun to be where you are right now and my heart goes out to you. I hope you will stick around so we can support you through this. PC is a great place to meet understanding people. Sometimes it helps to talk.... We are here. (((Hugs)))