So I have dealt with depression for years. It started when I was about 10 years old I would say. I'm almost 30 now. I have very intense emotions and am an incredibly empathetic person. Normally I can go months without feelings of depression, but about three months ago I had what I guess you could call a 'mental break.

Anxiety crippled me to the point that I had to quit my job, I couldn't leave my house at all really. I stopped talk to people. I was convinced I was going to die is some tragic way. I cried almost constantly. I had never experienced anything like that before.

Since, I have gotten better as far as anxiety goes. I have a new job that I love, I don't cry every day, I am not constantly freaking out. But there is this awful depression lingering over me now. It's not like depression I have experienced before. I feel very out of it all the time. Kind of disconnected. Like I'm not really here. It's strange because it turns off when I am working, and I am stressed at home. It's the opposite of what it used to be. Maybe it's because I've been cloistered in my home for months and I'm mentally rejecting it.

But in that right, I don't have the desire to do anything while I'm home. I used o love live music, going to eat with my boyfriend, seeing friends, but now even the thought is enough to make me panic.

I just feel awful. I'm scared most of the time, and it's hard for me to find joy in anything. I think about death a lot. Not in ways that I would do it, it's just a persistent, nagging thought. Like my brain is tricking me into thinking about it.

I know this is long winded, but I needed to vent. It'd hard to describe and even harder to suffer through.

I just need someone to talk to.