You sound like you want to be herd but, wish you didn't need to speak at all! I don't pretend to know what you've been through or what you are goin' through. However, I know how fear and irrationality can trigger dissociation..
The idea that people aren't liked, aren't normal, aren't accepted etc... places ever increasing amounts of stress on the mind, and the mind can crack and eventually brake.
I have feared reality, "like a splinter in the mind" to the point that anxiety forced me to dissociate from what was really there (reality) leading me to a world that had no form, sound - although I was there?!
Back to the original point, inorder to beat dissociation you need to beat you own fears whether that's through talking to a psychologist; reaffirming her you are or just believing in hope I know that my schizophrenia was beaten not by meds (which I no long need) but by my drive to learn about the world around me powered by belief..
I think therefore, I am!!