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Old Jul 14, 2016, 04:24 PM
elevatedsoul's Avatar
elevatedsoul elevatedsoul is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: usa
Posts: 3,836
this:
Korsakoff Syndrome | Signs, Symptoms, & Diagnosis
know what i mean? stupid brain.....

but im trying to hold onto some thread of hope that this is all because im completely overwhelmed stressed out, out of options, have no way out, trapped, and that im going to die if i cant resolve this as a psychological issue... whether from physical health or just simply no way to sustain my life financially, nutritionally, structurally, no place to live.. no desire to live even... at that point im sure...
im just ready to give up though because i try and try and try and just doesnt seem to matter anymore...
whats the point? why keep trying? guess i like to suffer so i just havent killed off yet... guess i also would rather live secretly miserable suffering great agonies behind the curtains rather than dump all of my pain on anyone in the world that might care about me the slightest bit by suicide..
fighting something that is just futile to fight... well, here goes the last bit of hope...
welcome back hopelessness... atleast thats something i know i am, utterly hopeless... if the doctors knew how hopeless it was they would refuse to see me too... probably will end up just treating me the same way as before and just calling me in to give me 5 minutes to satisfy their ego or whatever that they visited with me and kick me out of their office all the same...

but maybe they will treat me different this time in treatment with different "team"... just hope i dont have to spend another 4 years just to discover that its not going to get me anywhere because i just cant do it - i would rather be dead than to live in this miserable hell.. sometimes it can be very easy to hate your life to the core...
but im not going to turn into a babbling cry baby going on and on about how its not fair...
rambling on about the nonsense i do already is more than enough...

guess i dont have anything else to add.. i guess this is why i have kept my mouth shut for so many years, because i simply shouldn't contaminate the world with this ridiculous misery i live in..
if i could just delete it and carry on with the masquerade, adopt the other way as a whole... no body would ever know... and everybody would probably be happier...

appreciate all the kind words... sorry that any of you are hurting...
dunno why the world allows such things to happen to cause such pain...


maybe next time
gotta buck up and quit letting some stupid **** come out because it just doesnt solve anything to talk about things.. showing emotion definitely makes things worse, so im gonna turn it all off..
guess i was taught all this stuff for a good reason..





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