Long story short, I've been on tons of different anti depressants and anti anxiety meds since I was 20. I'm now in my early 40's. For over 10 years I've been on paxil and valium. Even with the meds, I still struggle with depression and anxiety. With anxiety, not as much anymore unless I'm in a stressful social situation like a party or large gathering.

Anyways, I still cry at home sometimes and often feel alone and like crap. I get easily overwhelmed and stressed out. Things with my husband aren't good sometimes emotionally and financially and I have a hard time coping with that.

I tend to drink once in awhile to numb the pain more. Now I can't as much since I have started working f/t for the first time in years. Lately I've been stressed out with this new job and issues with my husband. On good days if you can call it that, I'm OK at best. It doesn't help that I've been neglected and bullied for most of my life by my family and peers as well as some so called friends.

Usually I'm not that happy, but not sad. I'm rarely ever truly happy. The rare times to where I can laugh out loud and truly feel alive happen to be rare moments for me. I envy people who are naturally happy and calm most of the time. I wish that I could be like them. So are meds not enough? Maybe I should try ablilify or some additional meds? Why am I not happy while on meds? I do have a few friends, but I'm not really close to them. My family is unsupportive and they hae always been emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. They think that "it's all in my head" and that I'm "crazy". So does my husband.

Does anyone else ever feel like their meds aren't working at times? Does it sound like I need different meds since I probably built up a tolerance, or can meds only do so much? Maybe it's just me? I'm a sensitive person who doesn't deal well with stress usually. I also tend to get overwhelmed at times and I'm an emotional person most of the time.

I don't usually cry that much anymore, but I almost cried at work the other day after a fight with my husband. Thank god that I work at night when hardly anyone was around. And last night and just now I started crying again even though things with my husband finally started talking to me after giving me the silent treatment again after 4 days after our last fight. He threatened to leave me for the millionth time again. And now I'm being bullied at work by two mean girls and I can't do or say much about it. This to me is to much to handle at once. I wish I wasn't so weak.

I'm often tired most of the time and a lot of times I wish that I could just stay in bed and not leave the house and just snuggle with my cat. I hate being this way.