StarBlue - I am sorry you are hurting and feeling disconnected. Things that have happened will never be undone but they can be healed.
Your writing is amazing - you have a very unique way of expressing yourself - a positive that may restart that creative spark! Buy yourself a special notebook that you can use as a journal and get a nice pen that you love. Write it out - you have a gift.

And please, keep posting. I loved what I read.