Hello everyone! I'm (obviously) new here, and slightly overwhelmed. I couldn't quite figure out where to post, but I thought i'd dive into the reason I was searching out this kind of support in the first place. I did at a TRIGGER WARNING as it mentions SH and violent thoughts.

I've been dx with everything from Bi Polar, BPD, ADHD, AN, BN, Anxiety, Depression, yada yada yada...

Recently though, I guess I've been experiencing more and more intrusive thoughts. I've always had these paranoia type feelings that someone is out to hurt me, since I was a young child I can remember my sleepless nights praying I wouldn't be kidnapped or my parents wouldn't get murdered. During the day I was plagued by thoughts of my mother getting injured, and had the most horrendous separation anxiety from her. I even had images of them dead, or me killing them.

As I got older, those thoughts dissipated mostly. The last few days though (if I'm honest, last year or so?), I feel like something other than me is in my body. Like, i'm not in control anymore. A few days ago I OD'd but it was like something was doing it not me. Tonight I cut and it was like an argument between these...voices in my head- they were pushing me and taunting me.

I don't have a pdoc right now (long long story, but in the process of getting one and have enough of my rx's to last until I do find one). I really want to see my old pdoc but she's on vacation until Tuesday so I won't be able to even ask if she can see me until then. I know it's not that far away, and if I've waited this long I can still wait, it's just... scary.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just flat out crazy. No dx. No nothing but CRAZY. I feel like my BPD has influenced a lot of my actions, but this feels... new, uncomfortable, strange. Or could this all be a part of BPD?

Sorry for all the questions and rambles
HUGS