RxQ, are you quite sure that you & I didn't have the same grandmother? lol Although mine has passed on now; she was much as you described yours, for all of my childhood she was a real little "banty-hen". No filter between brain & mouth, either!

Understand the looking-over-the-shoulder regretfulness. But here's the deal (in my limited experience): We love our family members, even the skrewed up ones that we really would rather not be around every day -- simply because they are indeed a part of our own particular life story. Our histories and memories reside there. That's enough to get me (as an adult) into the presence of just about any of my seldom-seen cantankerous rellies every once in awhile. I want to see them, enjoy them, make sure they have what they need insofar as I'm able. If I can only hold it together for 10 mins, & then need to gtfo,that's OK! lol

Am I good at it, or even consistent? Nope. I'm fairly easily overwhelmed, and I have to tailor such visits to what both I and the other family member can handle.

Give yourself permission to do what your best self would feel happy about -- tempered with what you know you can handle atm. She'd probably love to get a card from you -- which might be a way of doing the "Thinking of you" thing, and not a bad opening imo. Just a thought!

Good luck with whatever you decide -- and remember, it's not irrevocable; one is allowed to change one's mind!

hugz to you

Chyia, granddaughter of a small squawking woman lol