Does anyone else with borderline get to feeling SO DAMN LONELY? i mean even layin in bed at night with my hubby it's just....hollow. i have that damn rejection fear, so i've been layin in bed miserable this past week or so. i've been layin up half the night cause i can't ask him to hold me till i fall asleep. oddly enough when my insomnia is in his is gone and he sleeps like a baby. i feel scatterred, sorry. it's one of those times where every breath is a sigh. i need my new thpst to see me more. i need a second one. i need to get in the dbt. but i can't do %#@&#! about it. %#@&#! THIS BORDERLINE!!! I feel like it's ruining my life. messin with my head, my "work", my "friends".... screamin in my head but can barely hold my arms to the table to type. there's no one in chat to talk to. so i'm here. just...floatin? times like this i wish i still got high. it'd be nice to smoke one and watch comedy central or even just color in my step daughters coloring books. oh and lets not get into that. great kid, love her. but i just feel worthless and endlessly frustrated around her half the time. i'm trying, i'm trying so hard. but i dunno if i'm cut out for the insta-mom thing. she's 8. i hope we don't win custody. terrible to say cause her mom sucks. but i've recently developed the fact that i can't have kids. not physically, mentally. if i were to get pregnant now.....i wouldn't want it. and i don't know what that would do to my marriage. he's depressed for the first time so i'm scared to talk to him about anything.,...deep? bad? i want to go inpatient and get intensive, but we're so behind on bills right now it's not an option. had to pick up extra work at the temp agency. next week cleaning some fancy *** hotel. sucks. i hope i don't have to vacuum around people. i can't vacuum around people. something about the noise. so pathetic. want to know what's worse? guess what terrifies me? wind. ******* air. fans, breeze, it's all the same. can't ride passenger in a car, feel like i'm gonna fly out. not eveytime. but most. don't know why. i dunno. i just gotta go to the hospital. oh i put the trigger thing cause i dunno if this counts, maybe the pot thing does.