its wack when you know you posted something but you know cant exactly remember the content

i dont talk to anyone about stuff, talking doesnt help... action is what makes a difference... need action.. not talk...
these things are my normal... growing up being constantly threatened your existence... even as an adult your existence continues to be threatened, if not by the hands of the others... then by the world within... guess you just get programmed to carry such a scary place around with you all the time, but fear leaves... you are afraid, but its not fear, you are beyond that and what you feel is something that goes to some other lengths.. life, life is what people take for advantage, they dont realize how soon that which they dont even acknoledge can be strangled out of you or beaten and stabbed or drowned to the sense of you not knowing... how could i of thought it would just go away?
dumb dumb dumb dumb... but im not here to cry or complain and im definitely not here to tell a story of a pathetic life existence that would only cause other problems... so im sorry about saying this stuff, didnt mean to..
it gets hard to know how much to say when what you see is something that would terrify someone else but your norm... so you cant say anything, because you know its not ok to talk about - and thats fine, i dont want anyone else to know..
there is nothing i can do besides continue... if i dont die myself, take myself out, or have someone else do it for me, hopefully maybe i can learn what it is to really be happy some day, its something that i thought about since i was a little boy... but i was also taught not to expect things, things dont come... things are not for your benefit, what you receive is not going to make you feel better, expect the worse... prepare for the worse... the worse is yet to come... so just dont forget to keep yourself safe... life is something that should not be contaminated by something so toxic, something so ugly... i try to do what i can with what i have, even within such a pathetic being... i never asked to be born... but i know that i probably saved others lives being alive so i am just some what happy that the others can be happy... i know i cant rest till its over, and im going to do what i can to make sure it ends... certainly cant live like this...
there isn't really anyway i can do anything about anything.. i dont have any options, i am stuck, i am trapped.. i could ask to try to get a restraining order, but it wont work because i live here and they probably wont help me do it because they're like... why? and im like... are you more crazy than i...? they ignore these things... and i dont know why or how they can let a monster get away with what they do... but its what happens when you have no where else to go... and thats fine...
some people just ... im not even going to say any more about it - i shouldnt be here
sorry, dont worry about this person, everything is fine..
i just wish that sometimes it all was a psychosis, sometimes reality is more scary than any psychosis... and i cant be blessed with just hallucinations and fake existence of delusions that are not real and cant hurt me.. so much easier to just take a bunch of antipsychotics to make the delusions go away, but when they are not delusions the only thing it does is make things worse
ugh... this is why i dont want to talk anymore... people think you are pathetic... you cant just say this stuff... but when you havent even touched the surface and you have already said too much, who is there that you can talk to?
some say GOD.... but god abandoned me many years ago... not even that, because it would constitute that he or she is real and has been watching me... and even if he or she is real, pretty sure they wouldn't watch a pathetic life like this... but theres nothing you can do... just have to stop...
dont mean to be offensive about god, dont take me the wrong way...
things cant end when they ended when the began, things cant begin when the end was the beginning... so might as well just give up...
im so tired... i need to rest so bad... an spiritual rest...
my thoughts on psychosis are not the absolute truth clearly... because what i have seen goes to levels beyond things that what i think is normal psychosis so just dont pay any attention to any of this...
if there are gods, then satan himself wants me to turn myself down and give in to that which would consume me... but thats if... and i doubt it... because im a no body...
sorry about mentioning any of those things... dunno why i posted this thread...
what an idiot... in no way is any of it helpful... sorry...
funny how people can look at me and talk to me and not notice anything at all... guess that should prove to me how ridiculous it all is... but even if someone did notice, which they cant and never will, i would not talk about it
stay well...