All the self-awareness and skills efficacy in the world doesn't make the damn symptoms go away. You're going to have to sit with the discomfort in the end anyway. Just effing sit with wanting to do all those stupid bad things and THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. This is the nature of adulting with BPD: it's like learning to live with chronic pain. It never goes away, you just become desensitized to it (to a certain degree).

I'll tell you this, though - I've come WAY too far in the past 6 years to eff it up now. I'll turn Seether and Nightrage all the way up and take the lesser of two evils before I go down that road again.

You know what really sucks? Having this realization puts me in an weird middle ground. I have a really hard time connecting with fellow BPDs because I'm not "outwardly suffering", yet I'm not quite a functioning member of society. It's a really lonely place to be.