This is actually pretty hard for me. I have trouble discussing my OCD because I feel like paying attention to it only makes it worse.

I feel like I have more obsessions than compulsions. My mental obsessions are actually worse than they used to be after forcing myself to fix a lot of my old visible ticks (such as having to touch something however-so-many times before leaving a room) so I wouldn't come across as strange to others. So, I guess my mind is making up for them and getting the satisfaction it needs with even more mental ticks. (Like having to say a word over and over in my head.) I don't know why I feel like I have to do all of these things and the blow that they give to my self esteem is massive. Seriously, nothing bad will happen if I don't tap the floor twice with my foot before walking away, so why to I feel like I HAVE to do it so badly? I sometimes worry that I don't actually have OCD, and I'm really just insane. Sometimes when my anxiety is particularly bad, I have trouble communicating with people or looking them in the eye (as most of the time my obsessions deal with other people, and I'm ashamed). I'll also worry myself for hours over things that others wouldn't think are a big deal at all, so I feel like I have nobody to talk to whenever I'm dealing with a fear or worry because they'd think I was nuts.
My mom knows that I have OCD, but I don't think she realizes how bad it is. I'm honestly too embarrassed to tell her. I can tell her "I'm having an obsessive thought right now" but nothing more than that. I can't tell her exactly what it is or how badly it's actually overwhelming me.

I don't know if I can take it anymore, and I wish there were something I could just take for it, but my mom doesn't believe in medicating mental disorders. And I asked her if I could start seeing a psychologist about it and she said it was too expensive. I just want to live my life without all of this crap having such a strong grip on it anymore..