All my life (adult life anyway) I have left things (personal items) "out in the world" unclaimed. I think my crazy logic is because I have always been afraid of disappearing and if I leave a piece of me out there, then I will continue to exist no matter what. For example, one of the things I did for many years was to leave one piece of clothing in the dry cleaners and never pick it up.

So, now, the "out there" thing is my poetry and letters that I wrote back before and during T's July vacation. I gave them to him just before the long August break. He has never acknowledged them since. Am I afraid to bring them up or am I afraid of not existing? I have changed so much in the short time since they were written, that when I read them now, they really sound like they were written by a teenager.

But that's okay because that's where I was emotionally at that moment. But there exists a tinge of embarrassment surrounding them. Loaded with transference and inuendos, they are. And I know one of them even said, %#@&#! you to him. (angry when he was gone).

I just don't know if I am afraid of losing part of me, resistant to integrating part of me or just plain embarrassed by the content. It's out there though and I know it will come up sooner or later.

Yeah, yeah, I know a big OCD but so who cares.....

grrrrrrrrrrrr shezizzle