I'm still agitated, on edge and want to be wished out of existence. I want to get into a fight with a razor and lose, repetitively. However I'm safe because it's all pointless anyway. I don't want to be "here" but it'll cause to much of a mess for me not to. It's going way to far out of my way if I do harm myself. Plus I'm the only one that brings in money. I'd start my AD but I'm afraid of a mixed episode. I finally told my husband last night I was in a bad mood but I didn't elaborate. He wanted me to but even talking is annoying. It's like to much is going on in my head to add outside noise to it. I'm coming to the conclusion while writing this that I'm probably already in a low level mixed episode. I may take my benzo and see if that helps. I don't have a pdoc until mid-September. I am going to try the AD. If this lands me in the hospital oh well. It's quiet there at least and I'll see a pdoc.