When I'm manic I can run my mouth and I'm bound to say about anything, get on bizarre topics, often rope people into inappropriate conversations. I've always said that I have mental tourette's syndrom (I'm not joking or making fun of those who do have tourette's). My anxiety sometimes causes me to just blurt out really random things. Sometimes they can be taken the wrong way.

Anyway, now I've scared myself because I showed this guy a really bizarre sexual music video and he showed me a video of a guy getting his head chopped off. It looked real, I don't know, it scared me so bad I frantically tried to turn it off without looking at it.

I think being bipolar, one of my primary manic tendencies is hyper-sexuality. I've also just always found sex fascinating and I've always been so curious why sex is so offensive. My therapist said I shocked him with a video and he shocked me. I mean, the video truly could have been offensive to him. I don't know why I even showed it to him, I don't know him that well.

So, my go-to paranoia is, someone's going to try to kill me. I am so darn mad at myself right now. I had not scared myself in a very long time. I used to do this all the time, say or do the wrong thing, get a weird reaction, then convince myself that person is going to come find me and kill me.

But, I'm sorry, an offensive (ok, x-rated) professionally made rap video cannot be as offensive to anyone alive as a video of someone really having their head cut off. I'm just so deeply disturbed by what I saw, just a few glimpses, struggling with my phone. And then the fear this guy might want to do that to me! Again, my therapist and others have said he was just making a point. He could be really religious for all I know.

Now going in tomorrow is going to be total insanity anyway, there's a big project at work I've been on, worked 12 hours the other day, even yesterday a few hours. I'm so tired, but so happy with the work. One last thing to go in and figure out early tomorrow. But i'm one of the first at work and he's also one of the first at work, so there are times in the morning we are alone together, that's when this happened.

Like I said, I'm very angry with myself. I have not put myself in this position in a very long time!