Since starting therapy, I have been thinking more deeply about who I am, my past, why I am the way I am, etc. I have come to some realizations on my own about the origins of certain present day behaviors I have. Does anyone else have experiences of "connecting the dots" like that? Now when I do those behaviors, I have more insight, and almost feel better that I know where it comes from. But knowing more about the origins can be scary too.

Here are two examples:

1) I am a water-holic. I drink water all the time, always have a water bottle in hand, can't sleep without a bottle or two of water next to me on the nightstand, can't walk past a drinking fountain without drinking, etc. My first lover told me I was a hypochondriac for not being able to sleep without water next to me. Anyway, in therapy, some events from my girlhood came up and I recovered some bad memories. Associated with these was being thirsty. I was continually in a situation at night where I was helpless to drink. I won't explain more, but I realize now that is why I constantly have to have water with me. I am still dealing with that thirst and helplessness from my childhood. It's a harmless behavior, to be sure, but it is strange to know from where it sprang.

2) The other one involves drugs (medications). Some of you may have read my posts here and there about my feelings about taking medications. I am not that keen on it. If you asked me why, I might have told you because I believe I can use a lot of other methods to deal with my mind and body issues besides drugs. And I guess I have also always thought it a sign of weakness that I might need drugs. About the only drugs I will take are anti-biotics. I don't even take OTC stuff like cold remedies and aspirin. I recently took Buspar for 3 months and did OK with that. It was kind of a big step. But I ended up being too resistant to get my recent Lexapro prescription filled. Anyway, now my gynecologist has prescribed birth control pills to me for a problem with my ovaries. This has brought up all sorts of issues for me. I have avoided oral contraceptives for decades, as I tried taking them 3 separate times as a young woman and had bad results. They made me severely depressed, and also made me have episodes of extreme mania. But mostly the depression. Really bad. During this period, I attempted suicide. I have never connected the dots until now, but now I realize my attempt was partly because of my extreme depression from the hormones. I guess I've always known this, but somehow not really. The prescription I just got for hormones is bringing this all back and really freaking me. I have this feeling of doom that I will take these and be really depressed again and want to kill myself. I know that is totally irrational. I am not suicidal. But I don't think I was back then either, and look what happened. I feel scared. Now I know why I am phobic about meds. I told my doctor I have gotten depressed in the past when taking hormones, and she said the pills now are much lower dose. So I hope I will do OK. I told my husband to watch me for bizarre behavior. I'm going to bail at the first sign of trouble.