I have a problem. I am lazy, excessively so, but I don't want to be. My apartment is a mess and I haven't washed the dishes in four days. I look around at the filth and promise myself I'll take care of it-and then break the promise. I'm a first semester student at a Caribbean med school (I'm a US citizen) and everyday I tell myself I will study adequately. And then I don't. I got away with it at first in the semester, but the last round of exams went poorly for me. I wanted to go to a US med school, but I couldn't get in because I had the same problem in college-no motivation, no dedication-and it affected my grades. I had a 3.4 GPA in college. Med schools want a 3.7-3.8.

But, the thing is...I HATE being lazy. And I hate myself for being that way. I would love to be the type of person (like my parents) who wakes up at the crack of down and crosses three things off their to-do list before they even leave the house. The kind of student who studies with dedication and passion, until they truly understand and remember the material. The kind of person who doesn't procrastinate (and I'm procrastinating now because I should be studying).

I have NO discipline. I want to be a superhuman achiever, but I can't even do an average job. I dream that one day, I will know what it is like to be competent.

I feel so trapped. I hate myself for being this way. The years are flying by and I am going no where. I'll probably graduate from med school, pass the licensing test, get an ok residency. But I will just be "getting by". I want to be a good doctor. I want to make a difference in the lives of psych patients (I want to be a psychiatrist). I want to be a force for good, a force to be reckoned with. But I am trapped and tied up. I can't escape this.

I have bipolar disorder and ADHD. I can't count on a consistent mood, energy level, motivational level, or ability to focus, which makes achievement difficult. I feel like my brain is just no good. I'm pretty smart, some people even say I'm brilliant. But what does it matter if I am too lazy to apply it?

Every time I try to do work, I feel pain and discomfort. I am addicted to comfort, pleasure, and leisure. I am trapped. I don't want to be lazy anymore.

All suggestions on how to break the addiction are welcome.