Hugs. I feel you. You know Shattered Sanity, I was envious of your wallet when I first began reading your posts. I didn't understand the disorder as much. I thought choice of binge foods was optional, and it was all about quantity. I used to fantasize about being able to buy anything I want, and I also thought that since you could buy anything you want, it would be easier for you to overcome. (At that time I really hoped to afford a watermelon, and was envious that you could just go buy one). But now I think the opposite, because you can choose whatever you want.

I was so wrong. I am very sorry. I see now that my limits keep me limited.

<3 <3<3

My issue is quantity of almost anything that includes some starches or carbs. (even a big bowl of potato flakes with bullion - just to have a certain full feeling). You have the same issue manifested differently. We get a certain emotional feeling that comes from our required combination. It helped me to learn that it isn't just quantity - it is combination, perhaps for some people it is more then just the combination, but has to be cooked a certain way, or presented a way, or be a certain brand.... But the core issue of learning it is more then quantity helped me to understand BED more broadly.

I don't know what we can do, but I do believe that this sharing is helping. I really feel not alone about it. I do believe that you, I, and each of us here knows the right choices, and having someone tell me what I ought to try makes me annoyed, resentful, and feeling that they don't understand. So I try not to give advice. I mean, really, who here doesn't know what we are 'supposed' to be doing. So, some information doesn't help a lot. But knowing I am not alone in this struggle does seem to help.

A true and honest smile at a group of faceless strangers who shares their most intimate vulnerability with me and shows me that I can share my struggles with them.



Lately, I have been doing okay (2 days of okay). My food issues, and my digestion troubles are entwined - I had gotten over the depression with food, and made myself incredibly ill, terrible stomach pains, and vomiting from the bloat of an overly full stomach (side effect of Miralax with a binge maybe) Yesterday, my stomach was still so tender, I had to be very careful about quantities and types of food to ensure I didn't get ill again. I also skipped the Miralax, and am cutting that back to once every 2-3 days depending....

I have a small raspberry patch, and have gathered about a bowl a day of them. Freezing some. But yesterday, I ate a bowl of them one at a time. I felt like I was doing a good thing, but also I was 'feeding' my issue, because I tend to graze all my waking hours. I hardly go less than an hour without eating. Another manifestation of my BED. Anyway, even though I am still eating constantly, at least it is something healthier. Of course, I still needed my starch/carb fix and had that yesterday also - but my choice of eating the raspberries is a tiny thing I am really proud of.

It may seem silly to other people, but I think to us - when we do make a good choice, even if it is a tiny good choice - we have an obligation to ourselves to really celebrate it. Because if we make our tiny good choices feel great - we reaffirm how good we feel about the good choice, then we can combat the good feeling from the bad choices.

I like the website : Worlds Healthiest Foods. When I make good choices, and read that, I feel like I am patting myself on the back and that feels good. So, double the good feelings!

As I have mentioned before, I have been changing what I eat over the past year slowly. On my limited budget, my only choices were foods that cost a certain amount per ounce. Example - Most things under .06 cents an ounce ( like rice, beans and canned veggies) was all I could afford, with a few .12 cents an ounce items thrown in, and maybe 1-3 treat items.

Now that I am budgeting a little better, I no longer shop that strictly. But I do try to stick to having veggies, and 'real' foods on hand. I still binge of course. But like, if I make a cold vegetable and macaroni salad, it used to be more mac then veg, now I try to make it reverse - more veg then mac. I think since what I am binging on has changed to including more good for me foods, it is the reason my cholesterol has improved and some weight has come off.

I am still in the problem. With its ups and downs. But I am more optimistic that by changing my ingredients, I will slowly continue to improve. I have no expectations, and no rules for myself - only this general guide of buying healthy foods and learning to cook them in a way I feel really good about. The taste AND the feeling that I am doing something good for my body. I bought an entire BAG of garlic cloves. LOL! A BAG of cloves. I never even buy one, but what the heck! So now, I am adding garlic to many recipes and finding out it is really good (cooked right - the broccoli, kale, and garlic soup was just gross).

Please everyone, love yourselves, and keep sharing with each other here, as I will. Together we can walk through this life comforted with the knowledge that we are understood, even cared for, WITH this issues - not in spite of it.

Hugs all around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!