It's mind-blowing when we're well what twisted things depression tells us - like you described wanting to smash your head into the wall. I've definitely had one of those days you described.

One of the most common things in my head during depression that makes no sense when I'm well: I WANT to stay depressed. When I'm depressed, some part of me doesn't want to lose that depression and suffering. It makes no sense to want to increase my suffering, but depression tells me, "you are nothing without mental illness and depression. If you got better, you would have no substance. You would be an empty shell. Depression is all you have, so you're better off staying here."

When I'm well, I don't think any of that. I love my life and find joy in many people and hobbies. It's almost unbelievable how powerful bipolar is and how much it wrecks our minds when it's out of control.

I wish you hadn't had a day like that. Those SUCK.