for those who don't know or remember, i first joined in 2003. it was a quiet site in those days. many days i was one of the few who responded to the posts we received from visitors who wandered in, some stayed, some moved on. fuzzybear, darkeyes, ladydragus were a few of the few in those days.

during that time i was caring for my grandmother. she passed away in 2004. i left the site then and did some traveling to try to find my inner peace.

i came back to colorado two years ago. since that time i have been doing my best to care for my handicapped mother. she was in a drunk driving accident when i was eight. she broke her neck and back and spent 6 months in suspended traction. the doctors all agreed the accident should have killed her.

she was unable to care for all the children. for some reason it was decided i should go to live with my father while the others stayed here in colorado. something that always deeply puzzled and hurt me.

since gramma has passed and a few others, we are an even smaller family now. my brother and two sisters are in the area but because of the modern lifestyle, none are able to commit much to mom's care.

she never saw any specialists when she was released from the hospital, never sought the physical therapy she needed, never even got a handicapped sticker for her license plate, and simply tried to return to life as normal. but there was nothing normal about it anymore.

years have gone by, her legs are twisted and swollen, she crawls through the trailer to ue the bathroom and leans on anything available when she does walk. her feet are bloody swollen humps.

she's unable to clean the house, take out the trash, clean the bathroom walls. spiders and bees come in the house freely.

this summer i took it on myself to clean the place up. mom seemed willing. the other day i tried to lovingly tell her she needs more help than i can give. she became very offended and accused me of trying to put everything off on someone else. i left the house so broken i didn't think i could put myself together again. it's the last of many recent such events.

i almost came here that day, needed support, ideas. i didn't because i want to keep myself moving in my real life and only come here the weekend.

i almost didn't post this. it's too long, too complicated. i know you care and would help. but if she won't help herself, what can i do?

she's getting older, i plan to move someday. i asked her what she will do. she says "the lord will provide." I admire her strength. but i fear for her and i feel so guilty...