so help me god if this doesn't post i'm gonna freak out. over the edge. you know that too numb to cry thing. i'm screaming in my head. want to collapse in corner mf'n sobbin hard. cand do it though. no one to talk to. no one cares to listen. fk them. i have a tool. it's at home in the drawer. i'm working on a lie for my hubby, no where to hide it i sleep naked. i dont want to lie. i dont want it to be. i can' t go inpatient. we cant afford it i need to work. no house, sht gets 1000 times worse. my t changed appt from tues to thurs. too far away. i need intesnity right now. i think it's a test. see how she reacts to change. well looky here not well at all. they did it in the hospital with my food one day. "lost" my food paper thing. like ******* lab rats. hubby just text pick up some soda. doesn't he know that we get charged every time? just call, it's the weekend and free! there is just no where else in herei think is right to put this right now. fantasizing with glory and disgust and sawing broke plastic over and over. wrist? too obvious. theigh perhaps. i hope i can say this. i said trigger. there's just no where else for it to go. i'm hoping if it comes out like this i won't do it. glad i don't have it now. wait. i know. NO! gdamn it. fk. and goin home to house full of babysat kids.if they aren't asleep so help me god i'm sleeping in the car. i don't have the patience for tantrums right now. and this, is exactly why i'm never going to have kids myself. used to want to. real bad. nope, too crazy. need a med adjust. new docs not in till nov. i just don't know. dmanit! **3x so far trying to post