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Originally Posted by justafriend306
This book sounds interesting. Can you update us as you go through and complete it?
I can very much understand. I have seen examples of what you describe as your own situation. My stepson is just such an example. He was two when his parent's split, his father getting primary custody. In the boy's case, he went through a great deal of abandonment issues. I have seen that it has affected him right into adulthood. Primarily it is a poor sense of self worth that he was ultimately left with. I could tell that despite the loving relationships he has now and growing up that the fear of being abandonned has affected them. Emotionally he has just felt not good enough. He feels shame and convinced that he is always at fault in relationship difficulties. As you have described, he has worried about relationship 'safety'.
The book sounds like it could be a great source of help. Have you heard of CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy)? It works at combatting our negative core beliefs of ourselves and learning to replace them with a positive sense of self worth. I have a suspicion your book might be sourced in CBT. Still, it might be worth looking in to.
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That makes a great deal of sense and I appreciate you sharing your stepson's experience. I'm very sorry that he's suffered so because of it. I definitely empathize. Not feeling wanted, not feeling good enough, and always being on edge - it makes me think a lot of my anxiety problems come from this.
I would be happy to write about the book! The author is apparently a very well-known psychotherapist and a rabbi. He started a program in Florida called Sandcastles that all children of divorcing parents have to go through before the courts will allow the couple to divorce. I wish they had had that when my parents divorced! He also worked with custody cases early in his career. Between working with kids whose parents were divorcing, and the custody cases, he got a very good look at the effects of divorce and how it can impact people long-term, and also how to address it.
The book's early chapters are very, very validating. The first section talks about the author's experience and background in working with children of divorce, and the impacts that studies have shown it can have on people long-term. Then he spends a lot of time calmly explaining what the book will help you do, and why, and validating that it's not wrong or childish to be an adult who is still suffering from events of the past even if they were 20, 30, or 40+ years ago. It basically shuts down any and all "but - but -" excuses your brain can come up with to excuse away why you shouldn't be hurting or suffering.
I have only read the first three chapters because it is a five-week program described, and I don't want to get too far ahead. I am on step two. Step one was identifying reasons that might cause people to give up on the process, stuff like feeling disloyal about looking critically at your parents' actions, or worrying about getting stuck in a victim mentality. You are supposed to write down your own responses and encouragement so if you start hearing those obstacles in your head later on, you can go back and re-read your own words to yourself to move you through.
Step two, which I'm doing now, is about writing down all of the memories you have surrounding the before, during, and after of the divorce. You have to write down what happened - not what your parents told you happened, but what you remember happening - and then how it made you feel, and how you feel now writing it down. I have poor recall of this time in my life, but what I do remember is turning out to have a big emotional impact on me.
The book is very reassuring and supportive about this, warns you that you might end up feeling very sad or angry, etc. over the emotions and memories this brings up, and offers advice for how to manage it.
Step three is about sort of putting into place an image of how the events of your parents' divorce shaped your views of the world. I haven't read much into that part or beyond yet.
I think it probably is CBT-based to some degree, but I know CBT can be notorious for being invalidating sometimes and I don't feel invalidated or like I'm being told I'm "wrong" for feeling as I do. The author is very supportive and it's, at least to this point, been all about figuring out the truth of what happened so I can have a strong foundation for understanding why those years had the impact on adult-me that they did. He talks a lot about everybody's autopilot functioning, how it's set early in life largely by your early caregivers' influence on you, and how the goal is to reset the autopilot as an adult so it doesn't take you down the same wrong turns. It's very sensitively written, encouraging, and supportive, and I don't feel blamed or like he's trying to make you move forward before you're ready - all criticisms I've heard of CBT before.
I am very sensitive to anything that tells me I'm "wrong" to feel the way I do, because invalidation is something I've struggled with from my parents and others, so I'm thankful the author is not like that.
I will keep this thread updated with the process and any other resources I come across.