Everytime you feel like you're doing better something happens. It doesn't have to be related to the incident. Anything that is a dent in your life gets blown up and expanded. I was doing so well. On Wednesday I woke up soo happy. For no reason was just so happy and it felt amazing. I remember feeling like I hadn't felt that way in a very long time even though i kept telling myself that I was over it.

There is a guy who likes me, and he kissed me last week. I started to have flashbacks, but i was ok. And we still talk and everything. To make a long story short he's an amazing guy. He's just really shy. And I do like him, but it's too soon. I can't fully trust him. It's only been 2mts since the incident and guys are just so scary. I don't feel safe.

I hate this! I was such a self sufficent person. I'm a supervisor at both of my jobs, I'm an RA, I'm a peer advocate. I was confident. I was strong. It's like what he did to me burst a bubble or something broke in me. I feel broken and dirty. I can't make decisions anymore. Everything seems so weird and scary. I'm not self sufficient. I'm not strong and confident anymore I'm weak.

I hate what I've become. Part of me is like get over it. Let it go! But I see him all the time and I hate that. I hate that he has power over me. Why can't I be strong like I used to. Something inside of me is broken. I can't get that back. It's gone. All of my friends are guys. I can't trust them anymore. I feel so alone.

Even the guy I like. I can't be comfortable with him. Why can't I just get over it! When he said he liked me, I asked him why? Why would he want to be with someone who is so broken w/so many issues. I feel like he just wants me b/c he thinks i'm easy and a sl*t. I can't believe that someone would really like me

I hate that I can't trust myself anymore. I can't trust my mind or my memory. And I try and act strong bc I can't tell anyone. No one would believe me. They'd think it was my fault. So I put on a strong face and try and act like I'm ok, but i guess I'm not. I want to beleive it. I just want to be better. I just sit there at night and think about what happened and how I'm different. Everything is different now. And I just sit and cry, for hours. I can't sleep. And I'm afraid to turn the lights out now

I hate what I've become. I want to have faith and believe that I will change and get better, but I'm just getting worse. I don't have the hope that I can be anything and change the world. It's a lie. I can't. It's so overwhelming. And the dumb part is i can't blame him. In my head I know what happened to me, but I can't admit it in my heart. I blame myslef. I drank willingly, I went to his room and I NEVER SAID NO!!! How can I claim to be a strong self sufficent woman when I couldn't even verbalize what i wanted. I was too weak to say no and I HATE MYSELF FOR IT!