i think it would be good if you could talk to a councellor about it.

the continuing on drinking when you didn't really want to... the letting him kiss you (and kissing him back) because you felt sexually aroused (but didn't really want to aside from the feeling aroused part of that).

the... letting him have sex with you (when you didn't really want to) because...

you thought you needed to do that in order to spend time with him? to feel close to him? to feel special to him? to feel loved by him?

i've been there. thinking that i need to do stuff like that so people spend time with me and hang out with me and so they like me and stuff. it can be really hard. end up feeling dirty and cheap and used and disgusting. end up feeling that there is something really very wrong with me that i feel this way...

mostly it is about... not feeling loved enough as a kid. wanting (needing, craving) positive attention from a male. someone i look up to. a father figure kind of.

and from their perspective... well i think guys can be about as complicated as females sometimes. figure they have to perform (have to try and persuade a girl) because they wouldn't be looked up to as a man if htey weren't etc etc. it can be jolly complicated all round. and sometimes... it isn't until afterwards after we have had some time to process the situation that we figure out how we feel and we figure out that that didn't feel good at all.

so... i think it is understandable that you don't feel good. you did a whole bunch of stuff that you felt ambivalent about and in hindsight you really don't feel good about it at all. that doesn't mean that he raped you, but it does mean that you are figuring out some of your boundaries and limits and this little event gives you the opportunity to figure out what hte hell went on so it won't happen again - so that you won't feel like that again.

please talk to a councellor sweetie. it is understandable that you would be feeling badly about this.