I was reading "In session" last night. I've read it before, and it makes me feel upset and angry when I read it because it reminds me that T is a T and nothing more.

Anyway after I posted in the "Going for a drive" thread, I started daydreaming about the questions I said I wanted to ask T, and wondered why do I want to know these things about her?

Then it hit me, if I had the choice of 2 rooms and I was told T was in one, and my Biomother was in the other, I'd run to the one with my Bio-mother, I'd want to ask her what she was like as a child, what makes her cry and the importance of T seemed to dim.

I felt bad coz I've sat wanting T to make me her special client because I've made her my special person, accept no wonder T's have boundaires because they aren't stupid, they know all the love and obsessions we throw at them is really about our first care-takers..

Its like if I can't have my mum to be intimate with then I need someone, almost like a sexual urge that wants satisfying.

All the time I am trying to make the theraputic relationship into something more, I am avoiding desperately mourning the reality of what I never got. I can feel tears trying to fight their way out as I write and think about this, but still I am not ready to let go the fantasy that I will get satisfied, which I will no doubt in therapy, but not in the perfect way it would have been if my bio-mother had stuck around and had been a good enought mother.

I'm longing for that time in the womb, when we were one!

arrgghhh, I wish I could cut the pain and anger and sorrow out of my chest, I can't bear the thought of knowing T will always just be T and the fantasy relationship will be something to be mourned and no more. Oh the pain!