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wildflowerchild25 · Jul 21, 2016, 10:22 PM

Anyone ever just want to bang your head against the wall to get your thoughts out? I've been having a lot of thoughts in the last week. Mainly when I have some down time, particularly as I'm trying to sleep. It's bad tonight.

This might be triggering to some - just be aware.

Possible trigger:

Basically I keep being transported to the day my husband died. I keep picturing him laying there on the floor and me realizing he was not breathing. I ran back to my room to get my phone to call 911 and realized it was 4:17am. I knew then that he was dead. I knew he had been laying there for God know how long and I knew the brain can only survive for a few minutes without oxygen. And I remember the police getting there and going upstairs. And then coming back down immediately. And I knew. But I had to say. Why are you down here? Is he dead? And the officer just said yes, he's dead. And I screamed on the phone to my mom He's dead, he's dead! And I fell on the ground and screamed and screamed. Thank god I was outside and I didn't wake my so. Up. Thank god he didn't wake up for any of it, not until they took my husband out of the apartment.

And everyone came over and everyone cried and I was just numb. The call came from the medical examiner saying they found cocaine and opiates I his system and I just screamed son of a ***** and threw my phone across the room. I pushed past everyone and ran into my room and collapsed on the floor. And cried. Because I couldn't save him from himself.

I've been feeling a lot of guilt lately because I was so selfish. I was struggling through moderate depression and I hadn't realized he was so upset. I should have known. I should have been more understanding.

I've never written about or discussed that night. This is the first time I'm writing about it. I feel like I need to get it out of me. I stopped seeing my therapist bc she's not in network with my new insurance but she said she would see me on a self pay basis as often as I wanted to until I get new insurance in September. It's going to be expensive but I think I'm going to make an appointment. I'll have to pay a lot. I don't have much money left for the summer. I don't get paid from my summer job until July 29, and then it's only for five days. Not much money. But I feel like I need to talk about this. I've been having upsetting dreams for the past few nights. One where my husband was alive again even though I knew he was dead in the dream - those suck because I wake up and realize it's not real and I really can't talk to him or get hugs from him or whatever else was going on in the dream. They **** me up for the whole day. I had one where I was forced IP and spent the dream running from the cops. Last night I had one that it was my husband's funeral and I couldn't get there for a variety of reasons. I was crying hysterically the whole dream.

Ugh. I'm not in an episode. It just seems like some trauma stuff is coming up right now. In the morning I want to go back to sleep and stay in bed all day. It's a good thing I have a summer job that I like because I get out of bed and go about my day and end up feeling better by the time I go home.

I hope no one was too bothered by this. I just needed to write about it.