I wonder if you have the closure you need. For instance, I have been rejected more times than I want to count and some haunt me more than others. Like a lot more. I've obsessed over why that is. Why does one rejection bother me while another I can just shrug off. I think it's closure for me. For example my in-laws turned on me like a pack of wolves (seriously, bloodshed). That was 2 years ago and it bugs me to no end. I even moderately understand "why" they did, not that it was an acceptable, humane, or even a remotely logical reason, but it is a reason nonetheless. The problem is that the reason makes zero sense. They lie a lot, so my DH and I had to formulate our own hypothesis from a lot of hindsight evidence and the remnants of failed family councelling. But, I have no closure. The rejection came out of left field for me and it was like meet the Hyde's. Cést la vie, I guess. There's nothing else I can do.

Something else to consider is that social rejection is basically the ultimate punishment. There's some interesting research on how ostracism messes with every aspect of a person, including making their brains sense real pain signals. I theorize (and I am no doctor here, just a person who's had her share of rejection) that some of those emotional and mental wounds are worse than almost any physical. The reason being, once the rejection occurs, it makes your body release hormones, which in a more primative society would likely encourage us to behave one of 2 ways. 1) The hormone inspires us to reengage with those who rejected us and seek reentry into their group. If that fails... 2) We internalize and withdraw. Which then perpetuates the cycle of pain and self-flagellation.

In terms of primative survival, these responses would mean life or death, as humans need a community to thrive. We either seek to be accepted or we withdraw to essentially lick or wounds and hopefully find another "community" which will accept us. Nowadays, we don't have the same survival needs, but our bodies don't know that. We still have the cortisol and other hormone release with the rejection. The trouble begins when we can't get the pain and trauma under control. The damage is still there, the chemicals in our bodies are still being released, and now we're all off kilter, physically and emotionally.

How to get back in balance is something I wish I could tell you how to do. Heck, I wish someone would tell me. It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right, but for whatever reason, your subconscious just hasn't worked thru the whole thing yet. Keep working on it. You'll get to that elusive acceptance and move on with your life in a healthy way. I know that's what I'm trying to do. When I think of the pain and confusion of the rejection, I remind myself that now I have a much more clear view of the proverbial forest for the trees. I know that I am better off outside of that toxic group of people, regardless of how I might wish things were different. It is what it is. I can't change it, so I just keep on moving every day, developing stronger relationships with others, and especially with myself.

Sorry this was long. Maybe some of my rambling will help give you a new perspective. Maybe not. Google can show you lots of scholarly articles on the effects of ostracism and rejection that may help you if you're the type that likes to dissect and analyze things (aka overthink) like me. It helped me a lot.

Anyway, I'm so sorry you were treated this way. It's not humane at all.